


The Return

by okbutjusthisonce



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Alpha John, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angry Threesome, BAMF John, Competitive Hand Jobs, Crack, Dim Sum, F/M, Fish n Chips, Fpreg, Guess I'm adding all the tags now, Hand Jobs, Hawaii, Johnlock mpreg, Johnlockary - Freeform, M/M, Mpreg, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Omega Mary, Omega Sherlock, Omega Verse, Other, Polygamy, Pomegranate Juice, Poor John, Post Reichenbach, Shotgun Wedding, Silly, Squirrels, Unplanned Pregnancy, did i mention crack, erotic asphyxiation, non angsty, not quite Johnlockary, omega lock, unplanned pregnancy is kind of redundant in omegaVerse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-30
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-01-03 01:27:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 25,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1064044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okbutjusthisonce/pseuds/okbutjusthisonce
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John turned around to see what had made Mary suddenly go pale.<br/>He felt the color drain from his own face at the tall figure that loomed behind him, like some bored spectre.</p><p>“You bastard!!!”</p><p>“Hello, John, I’ve missed you too.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Return

**Author's Note:**

  * For [annabagnell](https://archiveofourown.org/users/annabagnell/gifts).



> Wait, Wait, forget what I said earlier about "Just One Thing More"...  
> THIS is totally how season 3 starts, yo!
> 
> (Anna I have swapped the alpha and omega roles just for you - I don't *think* you're planning on writing this one, LOL)...
> 
> A damned silly story... with a wee bit of kink of course...

"Fancy another?" John signaled to the waiter as Mary nodded lightly and smiled.

"A pomegranate juice for the lady...and for you sir, another glass of wine?"

"I'm alright, thanks, but perhaps a bit more bread?" said John. He turned to his fiancé happily.

"Have I told you lately how happy you make me?" He asked, lacing his fingers through hers.

"Only about a dozen times today, John! You’re in a funny mood…”

John ran his thumb over his moustache thoughtfully.

“I guess … well I can’t help but feel sentimental. You know, it’s exactly six months to the day that-”

“Sherlock!” gasped Mary.

“Yeah, exactly… see? You know me so well my darling, and if you hadn’t been there for me, I don’t know what I would have -”

“No, John - look-” John turned around to see what had made Mary suddenly go pale. He felt the color drain from his own face at the tall figure that loomed behind him, like some bored spectre.

“You bastard!!!”

“Hello, John, I’ve missed you too.”

 

+++

 

"Hello, can I get you anything sir?" The waiter cheerfully asked as she set Mary's drink and the bread down. Sherlock's eyes lingered over the items.

"Pomegranate juice..." He rumbled. The waiter nodded.

"No... He's just observing- he doesn't- he won't be staying-" stammered John irritably, but the waiter was gone.

"John! That's very rude!" Mary scolded.

"Is it? It can't be any worse than faking your own bloody death and not letting the person you're with in on it!" John snapped.

"Well it can't make things much better, can it?" Said Mary,  "Hello Sherlock, how are you? Besides not dead, I mean."

"Thank you Mary. I'm-"

"Leaving!" Shouted John, "you are leaving!"

"You're upset, aren't you."

"What tipped you off you git? I- I can't even-arrrrgh!"

"But... John love, you can't be too surprised can you? This seems exactly like the sort of thing Sherlock always does to you." She smiled a little too sweetly. "John and I are getting married." She said, "isn't that wonderful?"

"Did you decide before or after you fell pregnant?" Asked Sherlock, "really, John, if anyone's to be angry here it ought to be me. Could you not have waited a little longer before finding a rebound omega to stick it in?"

"Oi!" Shouted John at full volume. Several other patrons did a bad job of pretending not to look over.

"You know we did meet just the once but I do remember that little trick of yours..."

"It isn't a trick, it's the power of deduction. Even without your unflattering puffy fingers, the pomegranate juice is a dead giveaway... Besides, you're showing enough so I can tell without your standing up... suggesting that you made a move on _my_ alpha immediat-"

"I meant being an arse, in order to drive everyone else away from John." Mary said looking evenly at Sherlock. He returned her gaze with a bitchy grin.

"Excuse me," said the mortified waiter in a hushed tone, "I'm very sorry, but could I please ask you to keep it down a bit-" She set Sherlock's drink down on a napkin.

"Look here Sherlock," trembled John, "Mary and I have a long history together... And quite frankly, she was there for me the day you bloody well crushed me with your suicide! And she's been there every day since! And I finally know what's good for me, yeah? So yes, we're getting married, and yes, we're having a baby, and it's all already happening, there's nothing you can do about it, so I don't see why you're still here or what even you can possibly say to the likes of it!"

Sherlock opened his great coat. For the first time, John noticed the extra weight on his resurrected omega's face.

"Surprise. Well done, you virile, alpha bastard." He said dryly.

"That - is a surprise." Said Mary looking at the detective's swollen belly. "Sherlock, did I mention I'm having twins?"

"I know,” said Sherlock arrogantly, “So am I."

He sipped from his glass and looked on as John fainted.


	2. Cover Image

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey look! Artwork! :D

  



	3. The Green Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Cheer up, man. I don’t really see a downside to this… You've got Sherlock back, and you’ve always wanted kids, yeah? Now you've got two on the way- or is it three, I suppose- "
> 
> "Four." Said John flatly.

"Blimey. Two omegas. You lucky bastard." Greg raised his pint and smiled cruelly at his friend. "Cheers. So glad it's not me."

"Thanks a lot, mate." John grumbled. The pub was nearly empty at this hour. John had called Lestrade from work, demanding a sympathetic ear.

"Ah, I'm just taking the piss, it's wonderful news. Congratulations! Granted, it won't be easy with those particular two..." Greg could not curtail the grin on his face,  " but if anyone can manage it, it'll be you."

"Thanks, mate."

"Yeah."

The friends sat in silence for a moment.

"Just need to set yourself up with a little bed in the corner here, and you'll be fine." Said Greg. He burst into laughter as John's face darkened.

"Sorry! Sorry! Look, cheer up, man. I don’t really see a downside to this… You've got Sherlock back, and you’ve always wanted kids, yeah? Now you've got two on the way- or is it three, I suppose- "

"Four." Said John flatly.

Lestrade was temporarily incapacitated by the pain of Boddington's exiting through his nose.

"Well done, mate." He sputtered. "That's-"

"That's what Sherlock said..."

"What?"

"Right before he called me a virile, alpha bastard."

"You are kind of living the cliché alpha dream at the moment... Two omegas fighting over you, a bunch of buns in the oven - ah ovens -"

There was a pause.

"Ok it's potentially a bit of a nightmare." admitted Greg.

"I just - I - I’m not ‘That Guy’, am I?"

"What guy?"

"The alpha who thinks with his knot... Sherlock has a point... Mary and I got together so quickly..."

"Get it when you can, I always say..."

"Christ, why am I asking you? You're the bloody eternal stray..."

"I take offense at that, my friend! I've been with Naomi over two months now!"

"That's very impressive. Have you seen the new omega coroner?"

"He _is_ pretty hot..." grinned  Lestrade, “Look, John, I don’t see any fault with finding comfort over the death of a loved one... in the arms of someone who loves you...‘course you’re gonna feel some guilt now that Sherlock’s back, but then, how could you have known? Frankly, the fact that you’re worrying about it suggests you’re not ‘That Guy’…and hey, what's with all the labels anyway?"

John rubbed his hands over his face.

“Christ. What am I gonna do.”

“Get one of those mad double decker prams…” Lestrade shielded himself from John as his mirth returned.

“I _can not wait_ until the next time you’re-” John began, but his phone was suddenly a buzzing mess.

He picked it up and looked curiously at the flurry of texts that all seemed to come at once.

“I’ve gotta go.” he said.

“Yeah, I should get back too… You on call at the hospital today?”

“Uh, no… Mary needs some things from the store… and so does Sherlock.” John said with earnest concern.

Lestrade shook his head.

“You’re so not ‘That Guy’.” He laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is ridiculous...


	4. Back to Baker Street

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No one’s actually said you’re welcome to move back in, you know.” Mary snapped.
> 
> “Of course not, don’t be ridiculous, I never moved out.” Snorted Sherlock.
> 
> He settled into his chair with a happy sigh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's pretty much the weekend, right?

“Did you get my lime pickle crisps?”

“Yes, my darling.”

“John, where is the potassium sulfide?”

“In the other bag…”

“Condensed milk, sweetheart?”

“In the cupboard-”

“Electrostatic clamps?”

“I had to order them online - you’ll get them in two days-”

“And the pomegranate juice, John?”

“Oh yes!” said Mary, “I could go for some right now…”

John cleared his throat in embarrassment.

“Um… sorry.” He said, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck.

“How could you forget the one thing we both like?” lamented Mary.

“You know how important it is for cerebral development!” added Sherlock.

****

It had almost been easier before, thought John.

****

Sherlock’s return to Baker Street had been unceremoniously Sherlock. He'd swept in donning his great coat and a pair of dark sunglasses worthy of a tabloid darling.

“Oh! What have you done to my lab! Oh! You’ve turned it into a- a- kitchen!” He'd cried in horror upon entering.

He handed his coat to John, once again revealing the shocking bulge of his abdomen.

"Hello to you too," John scowled.

“It is a kitchen, you bloody mad scientist.” sighed Mary, “We just put it back as it was meant to be-"

"Still angry, guilty and confused, John..." Sherlock said. He kissed John's forehead with a loud smack and began poking around various potted plants.

“Christ! You _have_ managed to return under the one scenario where I can’t bloody well-”

“Where is all my equipment? Downstairs, I suppose. You’ll have to be the one to bring it back up.”

Sherlock picked up Mary’s cup, sniffed it suspiciously and looked around, eyes narrowed.

“Or is it now _your_ lab…another thing you've attempted to steal, I see.” He accused, finally addressing her.

“That you abandoned." She corrected. Would you like some? It's my own blend-"

“My bedroom…!” Sherlock had already dashed - or at least waddled hurriedly- out of the room.

“John, there’s a crib in there.”

John looked guiltily between the two omegas.

“Well, yeah, we thought well, eventually …”

"I approve of the fact that the rest of my space remains unmolested, but as we are having two, I think a much larger one would be better, don’t you?”

“Oh. Yeah, of course.” mumbled John.

Mary’s eyes shot daggers at him for a moment. “Uh, we got it before we knew Mary was having twins…”

“Understandable, you’re not very good at that sort of thing.” said Sherlock with condescending forgiveness.

“What - sort of thing?” Asked John, blinking.

Sherlock patted his swollen belly. “Thinking ahead.” He said with a nod.

“No one’s actually said you’re welcome to move back in, you know.” Mary said suddenly.

“Of course not, don’t be ridiculous, I never moved out.” Snorted Sherlock. He settled into his chair with a happy sigh,  “On the other hand, _you_ are not on the lease as far as I know…”

“We don’t have a lease.” said John weakly.

“Mrs. Hudson and I get along quite well.” challenged Mary, “She’s already agreed to be the godmother…”

“Ahem! Yes, well that’s all well and good but none of this is really my priority just now. A cup of tea would be lovely.” He put his feet up with a contented hum.

“What?” Mary said.

“John, I’m very hungry and also it’s been six months since we’ve seen each other. As my alpha, you have certain duties you've been neglecting - I’d like you to feed and then ravage me, in that order, now.”

“I- ” John felt his face flush.

“Are you joking?!” snarled Mary.

“I’m dreadfully serious, you would be too in my position.” said Sherlock simply. “In fact you are in my position, nearly, so you know it how good it would be to let John get on with things. When you’re ready for him to take you later, I’ll look the other way.”

“Sherlock!” cried John. “You - you -”

“You’ll do what now?!” Mary angrily put her hands on what was left of her hips.

“Naturally I’d prefer not to have to share you, but biology - not to mention the rules of decent society, which you obviously find important - demands you look after your offspring, John. That includes the care of any carrying omega partner. Even third wheels.”

“Who’s the third wheel here?!?” Mary demanded. "We are engaged! You're the one who left via fake-death shenanigans!"

“John is mine. You should be grateful I’m offering him to you for a time.”

“John _was_ yours, now he’s mine!”

“I’ll just wait in my mind palace until dinner is ready.” Sherlock closed his eyes.

“Your wha-” Mary widened her eyes in exasperation, “Don’t- you- ignore me - you - you wanker! -John!"

“Mary, I- I’m so- I -”

Mary gave an incredulous gasp. “You... bloody…alpha …DOG! You’re turned on by all this, aren’t you?!” She cried.

John felt his blush deepen as he realized it was true, he was hard as a rock. A wet spot was already forming where the tip of his cock pressed against the fabric of his trousers. He moved his hands in front of his crotch, failing spectacularly to hide the obvious.

“I- I- didn’t -mean to-”

“Well, you did, and you have, and now we all have to live with the consequences, don’t we!’ she shouted, and stormed from the flat. Sherlock opened an eye.

“She’s probably just feeling hormonal.” he said. He opened the other eye, gaze turned eagerly to the enormous bulge in John’s trousers, “Oh, John! - Let’s reverse the order of my requests, shall we?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heh. Shenanigans.


	5. Back in Baby's Arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In Which_ : There is some comeuppance for John, and some attempted manipulation.

"Oh my god."

"An acceptable title, though hardly necessary." Sherlock stretched his arms over his head towards the ceiling in victorious pleasure. His scent was everywhere, the intensity of their conflict-filled-reunion-sex having released more pheromones than seemed possible.

John lay on his back, eyes half mast, a blissed-out sticky mess. He rested a hand on Sherlock's inner thigh.

"That was incredi- ah. Um. Are you- rubbing my semen into your skin?"

“Oh John, asking questions with obvious answers."

“Christ, I forgot how nasty you can be...”

"How else are people to know I'm yours?"

"Well," John said propping himself on his elbows, "This might be some indication..." His hand slid up from Sherlock's thigh to the swell of his stomach.

"Mmm." Sherlock gave a low purr of approval. He smiled as he studied the dopey look on John's face.

"You're getting quite curvy." John said moving his hands slowly over Sherlock's belly. It was the first time that John was getting a proper look at his omega's pregnant form. It was exciting him, now that he was free to take it in. John happily ran his hands along the new contours of Sherlock's body, explored his waist and hips, slid them behind and over the surface of his bum.

"You like this?" John asked.

"Mmm." Sherlock's eyelids slid sensually to half mast.

"And this?"

"Mmm..." Sherlock circled his head slowly, peered down at John with a house cat’s expression.

"John..."

"Yeah?"

Sherlock's hand met John's face with an audible smack.

"Bloody Hell!" Cried John, with a shake of his head. He sat bolt upright, partially spilling Sherlock off his lap.

The back of Sherlock's hand met John's other cheek.

"What!-"

"One for each of our children." Said Sherlock calmly, "in fact -" Sherlock's hand met John's face twice more.

"One for each of Mary's..."

"Fuck!!! Will you-!"

"One for Mary -poor, homely, girl-"

"Stop doing that!" John roared. His face had become flushed with sting marks and aggression.

"And of course one for me-" but John had tackled Sherlock, pinning him to the bed. Sherlock writhed under John's weight.

"Let me go!" Sherlock howled, "I'm leaving you!"

"No!" John's eyes became wild. "No! Never again!" He bellowed.

"Yes! Yes! I'm taking your babies and going away!" Sherlock managed to push himself up briefly, eyes wide, a wicked, cruel smile on his face.

John growled, shoved him back down. The two of them struggled, pushed and breathed hard against each other. The bed creaked in agony beneath them.

John pressed himself against Sherlock, his lips parted in an expression of passion and rage.

"F-Far-away-!" Sherlock gasped as John's mouth moved across his own forcefully, "far -un!-away where you can't ever get to us-ah!" John's hand had found its way between Sherlock's legs, was roughly parting them, even as he kissed Sherlock brutally, nipped at Sherlock's mouth. For a moment they both tasted salty blood, then John's lips were under Sherlock jaw, then on his throat, then just above his collar bone. His cock was back to fully erect, was pressed hard against Sherlock's body.

"Never again! I won't lose you! You - you're - !" John's teeth met the delicate, pale flesh, exactly where they should. Sherlock gasped blissfully at the beginning of something he had no words to describe, an intensifying of all his senses as John's teeth began to sink into him.

"Yes!" Sherlock cried out, back arching, voice cracking with excitement, "Yours! I'm yours John, all yours for the taking!-"

He halted with a sharp inhale.

John had stopped. His mouth was still firmly attached to Sherlock mid-bite. He groaned as if injured. His whole body taut, his fingers pressed into Sherlock's upper arms hard enough to make Sherlock gasp in silent pain.

Everything was still.

"You... You never... wanted to bond before..." Exhaled John a minute later. His body slumped against Sherlock’s in surrender, his fingers relaxed, releasing his grip. John closed his eyes and pressed his forehead into Sherlock's body, trembling.

Sherlock cradled the back of John's head with a deep sigh. He rolled his eyes to the ceiling as he stroked his alpha's hair.

"It was worth a try." He said.

[Closing Credits Song](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBgQ5ZiphUs)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looks like John is more of the protective (rather than territorial) type of alpha.  
> Difficult to get him to use the "M" word...
> 
> Also, I don't know why, but I often hear Patsy Cline in my head when I'm writing omega verse. This series has been especially bad for it.
> 
> Also, it is a pain in the ass trying to get you tube vids to embed properly.


	6. Portman Square

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm feeling a deep biological need to look out for John's offspring. Even yours. Resulting in my being compelled to look after you even as I'd still love to-"
> 
> "- claw your eyes out and then set you on fire?"
> 
> "Mmm. I was going to say run you out of England, but that will do nicely."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just going way off cannon with Mary.
> 
> Know why? Coz it's my story!!! LOL!!!
> 
> This chapter might upset the haterz... ?

Mary tossed her last handful of treats and watched the squirrels converge. Their tumbling about had cheered her somewhat, but still, she couldn't quite bring herself to go back to the flat.

An especially frantic squirrel approached her, begging for more. When she failed to produce, it nipped the toe of her boot.

"You're an awful little thing, aren't you." She told it.

"I've been called worse."

Mary looked up, startled.  She'd somehow not caught the scent. Sherlock reeked of John, and sex, and well, John mostly.

"You're quite the mess." She said looking at his bloodied lip and frantic hair. Sherlock peered back over the top of his dark glasses with a victorious smile. He sat down on the bench, uncommonly close.

"How did you find me?"

"You come here every Tuesday and Thursday to experiment on this group of squirrels. You also come here when you're upset or wish to rendezvous with your sister. It was the most obvious place to look."

Mary turned to Sherlock in amazement.

"John wasn't joking when he said you were brilliant. You got all that just from observing me earlier?"

Sherlock stared back at Mary for a moment. "Yes," he said, "Although following you for two weeks helped."

Mary laughed. The squirrel at her feet abruptly fell over.

"John claims you're a talented botanist." Said Sherlock.

Mary nudged at the unconscious squirrel gently with her toe.

"He's just being kind. John always speaks well of others..."

There was a pause.

"But I _am_ brilliant." Said Sherlock.

"Modest too, just as they say."

The squirrel opened its eyes, shook itself off and scampered away looking chipper if not a little wobbly.

"He really loves you." Mary sighed.

"I know."

"Your room. It's been kept the way it was because-"

"Because he couldn't bear to change it. Naturally."

"Right. Not even to make it a nursery..."

"You didn't make him."

"I can't make him do anything. Unlike you."

Sherlock looked at Mary in the fading light.

"You've been here for hours, without a proper coat. Are you not cold?"

He moved so he was sitting against her, slid his coat off and awkwardly wrapped it around both of them. Mary shivered against his sudden warmth.

"Why are you being kind?" She asked, suspiciously.

"I'm feeling a deep biological need to look out for John's offspring. Even yours. Resulting in my being compelled to look after you even as I'd still love to-"

"- claw your eyes out and then set you on fire?"

"Mmm. I was going to say run you out of England, but that will do nicely."

Mary leaned against Sherlock, inhaling John's scent.

"I'm feeling it too."

"Naturally."

"Does this mean you're calling a truce?"

"Absolutely not. John is mine."

"Then... what is this?"

Sherlock chewed his swollen lip thoughtfully.

"An adversarial alliance."

Mary nodded.

"A temporary one." She added.

"Mmm. John is suffering profound guilt -"

"-as he ought to be!"

"-and will not bond with me-"

"he may prefer to bond with me, you know-"

"Will not bond with me - until after the children are born, and, I suspect, until he feels some stability in the situation. Until that time, we must make the best of things, even in our inherently competitive dynamic."

"Don't expect me to just roll over and give him to you."

"In fact, I'm preparing for the worst."

Mary blinked in surprise.

"That's one of the kinder things you've said to me. It almost sounds like you think I might be worth worrying about."

"I'm not the only one he loves."

Mary's face lit up, her eyes bright with joy.

"He just loves me much much, _much_ more." Said Sherlock.

"You're such a wanker."

Sherlock only smiled.


	7. Halfsies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In Which_ : Sherlock is a bad influence, resulting in more comeuppance.

"What's happened?" Demanded John across the tandoori, "Why are you two suddenly getting on so well?"

+++

They'd come back together, shortly after nightfall.

The flat was quiet and dark. Mary switched on a light.

"Where is John?" She asked.

"He's in the bedroom, waiting for you of course." Sherlock said.

"What?"

"I thought I should make a gesture of goodwill  in honor of our newfound alliance."

"Surely coming to get me was enough of one..."

"Actually, my original intention had been to find something to eat. I just happened to be walking nearby."

"Oh."

"And so he's prepped and ready."

"Prepped? Ready? What have you done, Sherlock? I don't think I like this!"

"You'll like this. Here."

Sherlock pushed a small paper sack into her hands.

"As much as I hate to admit it, we do have a few things in common. Our dislikes, for example," He rumbled. Mary peered inside the bag.

"Is this for what I think it's for?"

Sherlock smiled.

"I've left you half."

"That - that is a nice gesture. A bit mad, but nice. Thank you."

"I'll be out here, waiting for dinner."

"Oh. Um, alright."

+++

From behind the blackness of the blindfold John heard the bedroom door open. He jerked partially upwards, despite his being restrained.

"Sherlo-? Mary...!" He said, his nose twitching as he took her scent in.

"Yes, John."

"Ohhhh, Christ! Thank god!" He sighed in relief. "Thank god!!! Untie me, will you? I've been here forever and my arms are getting sore..."

"What about your cock, John?"

John's face turned red.

"Well uh, yeah, that's getting a bit uncomfortable too..."

"You look ridiculous, you know."

"Mary..."

"So ridiculous, I wonder why someone as brilliant as Sherlock and as wonderful as myself feel compelled to fight over you..."

"Hang on, what?"

"John, you really have no idea what a terrible thing you've done, do you?"

"I - Mary! How can you say that! You know full well how things happened between us! You of all people should be understandin-"

Mary yanked the blindfold from John's eyes. He gasped in panic and wriggled his spread eagled limbs helplessly against the bed posts. The weight of the vibrating sleeve Sherlock had left him in him made his trapped, erect cock wobble comically. Mary arched an eyebrow, and reached into the paper bag.

"I'm talking about this..." She said holding up the shaving cream and razor.

"But - You love my moustache!"

"I HATE the bloody thing! It's been so many times I've tried to get you to shave..."

"But - you've said it makes me look like a 70's porn star-"

"That's not a good thing, love..."

John blinked rapidly.

"I... I didn't know... you felt that way..." He said in a defeated tone.

"Sherlock knew."

"Of course he knew! He's the worlds' biggest bloody know-it-all!"

"Well in this case even the thickest bloke could have taken the hint."

John sighed.

"I'll shave."

"What?"

"Untie me, I'll shave, I said."

John shifted uncomfortably, his eyes turned to the ceiling in frustration.

"Doesn't matter at this point anyway, with half of it gone already." He mumbled.

"As I said before, absolutely ridiculous." Mary spread some cream on her fingers. "Fortunately, it _can_ be helped a bit..."

"What are you doing- I said I'd-"

"If you think," said Mary as she began to lather the remaining half of John's moustache, "that I'm going to give up this small moment of catharsis after all that's happened recently, then you're even more foolish than you look right now. Now hold still so I don't cut you."

John whimpered and turned his head obediently, as for the second time that day, he was straddled and shaved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock might genuinely not know how to feed himself...


	8. Family Style ~or~ The 'S' Word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In Which_ : John experiences pregnant omega mood swings, and Mary and Sherlock each go a little too far.

"So you see, ordering take away is quite easy," Mary said, "One simply picks up the phone, calls the restaurant of ones' choice-"

"John? You’re not eating..." Sherlock said. He gave John his best observing, critical look. “How are you feeling?”

John poked at his bindi masala.

"Well," he said with a short clearing of his throat,

"I've been emotionally traumatised, manipulated, shagged, slapped, nearly seduced into a bonding, tied up, teased, blindfolded, shaved, abandoned, and then shaved again, all within the last twelve hours. So the answer is brilliant, obviously. Fan-fucking-tastic!"

"You're being sarcastic, aren't you."

"Just a little."

"Could I have your curry then?" Asked Sherlock.

"You do look better though, my love." said Mary.

John shoved his dish across the table.

"And oh yeah that thing you put on me has left me numb, thanks."

Sherlock served himself a generous amount of John's food.

"The effect should wear off by the time I want you again."

"Bloody brilliant."

"Just because John is temporarily out of commission doesn't mean we can't be affectionate with each other," Said Mary. She took John’s plate, added half of her own food and slid the plate back to John. Sherlock raised a quizzical eyebrow.

"We need to talk about the bedroom situation." He said, "John will be staying in my room for the most part. Occasionally I'll want to be in his, however. At that time it would probably be for the best if you-"

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why any of it? Why wouldn't I have one of the two bedrooms? Doesn't that make more sense?"

"No." He said to Mary, "You don't technically live here, after all. Perhaps your good friend Mrs. Hudson will take you in. It seems like she should have a soft spot for wayward omegas in trouble... As difficult as they usually are."

"And what makes you think John will be in your room at all, let alone most of the time?"

"Don't I have any say?" Grumbled John. He sat with his arms crossed, looking cranky.

"No!" said Mary and Sherlock in unison.

Mary glared at John. Sherlock broke into a wide, obnoxious grin.

John sighed and rolled his eyes upwards. Sherlock turned back to Mary.

"I generally prefer my room, and John is mine. Try to keep that in mind, It is dull having to explain to you so often. Additionally I have a lot of catching up to do; I will need John to shag me far more ofte-"

" _You_ can move downstairs, as you're the one who left, and sleep with all your equipment! And your old room can become a nursery as planned, now that we know you're just a heart crusher and not actually dead! How's that?"

"- At least twice a day, minimum. Vitamins might become necessary to help keep your strength up, John." Sherlock said with with a wink. He placed a piece of naan onto John's plate as he spoke.

"You are not just going to bloody well call all the shots here, Sherlock..." Said Mary, heaping a pile of onion budgies over John's bread, " no matter what you may think, I have say in this situation too!"

"John is mine."

"That again! You sound like a bloody alpha -"

"This place is mine."

"-a testosterone riddled--"

"You're an unwelcome-"

"territorial-"

"thieving-"

" _stupid_ -" The word hit Sherlock tangibly, like a slap in the face. He looked at Mary, pale eyes blazing.

" _slut_." his deep voice countered.

Mary's jaw dropped in disbelief. Her own eyes gleamed. She slapped Sherlock across his cheek. Mary heard a soft sound and turned, only to be further outraged.

"JOHN HAMISH WATSON!!! Are you going to get aroused every bloody time we fight?!" She shouted. Blushing, John opened his mouth to protest, but all he managed was a small choking growl of desire.

"Naturally." Said Sherlock. His own face was flushed pink. Eyes glassy, his nostrils flared. "It's the most primal of responses; our competing to be his sole mate is all but irresistible to his alpha side."

"One cannot compete to be someone's soul mate, you emotionally stunted scientist!" snarled Mary, "the two of you either feel it or you don't - one can't just rival for destiny!"

Sherlock snorted in exasperation.

"No..." He said contemptuously, " I meant - solo. Single. Fighting to be the one and only - the line between aggression and erotica is very close for most alphas."

Sherlock picked up the raita. "Observe." He said, and flung it. Mary gasped, shocked and enraged to suddenly be covered in spiced yoghurt. The extra dairy fallout met John across the table, splattering him lightly.

John let out a groan despite himself. Sherlock abruptly lunged forward and lewdly licked a large portion of creamy white liquid off of Mary's cheek.

"Aah! Get off of me!" She cried. She shoved Sherlock away just as he'd managed to wrap his mouth on the underside of her jawline. Neither of them failed to note John tremble and quietly climax in the midst of it all.

"Mmm." Sherlock sat back with eyes half mast in perverse pleasure. "I've been suffering such a craving for cumin..." He said.

Mary looked between John and Sherlock, disbelief overwhelming her anger.

"I am _not_ attracted to you." She said blinking in confusion.

"Nor I you. It was just to prove a point."

"That you're completely mad?"

"That John is-"

"Not a bloody animal!" Said John desperately. He jumped up from the table as if responding to an emergency.

"That's it!!!" He cried, "I - I am not just some - some plaything for you two!" He grabbed his jacket.

"Where are you going?" Asked Mary. "Do clean yourself up first..."

"Perhaps put some trousers on." Suggested Sherlock.

John stopped, for it was true; he was so frazzled he'd forgotten he'd been sitting at the table in his pants. They were the silly red ones he'd put on for Sherlock earlier; now they were soiled with yoghurt drops and come.

John scowled at the two omegas and stalked off to "his room" to change, slamming the door behind him, just a little. It was becoming increasingly difficult to feel genuinely angry and that confused him even more.

When he returned Sherlock was attentively wiping traces of raita from Mary with a serviette. Mary was spooning the remainder of the curry onto his plate from the main dish.

"Are you still hungry?" She asked Sherlock. Her smile was nearly imperceptible even as he gave a soft nod.

John stared for a moment, then quietly slipped out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eating family style is always better, IMO.


	9. Shotgun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> " _We are expecting your happy announcement, Dr. Watson._ " He growled with a grave intent.  
> For a second the two alphas stared at each other. Then John blinked in a moment of realisation.
> 
> "You want me to marry Sherlock." He said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was trying to write a silly Christmas special for RFU, but this came out instead...  
> a glimpse of BAMF!Alpha!John...
> 
> Dec 30: edited to make Colin a little dumber and more familiar to John.

It wasn’t as though he’d never been thrown into the boot of a car, it’s just that the timing was crap.

 

John stiffened as the compartment was opened and an icy blast of air assaulted him before a pair of large hands did the same. He struggled as he was pulled out, kicking and cursing his abductor. Disoriented with his arms locked behind his back, he lost his balance. The concrete floor came up to meet him hard. The bag was pulled from his head.

“Bloody Hell!” He growled with a lurch forward, “What! The! FUCK!! Get off me you dumb fuck!!!”

“Sorry, mate.” Said the giant Irishman above him. "How'd you know it was me?"

“Too much bloody Alpha Axe, like I'm always telling you! Not to mention saying my name half a dozen times might tip one off yeah? Colin, take these fucking cuffs off me right now.”

“No can do, I’m afraid. Boss’s orders.”

“You utter shite, never fucking ask to borrow money from me again-“

Colin gave John an abashed look.

“Aw, don’t be like that, Johnny. Work’s work, you know that! Anyway I got your fifty quid, was gonna give it to you tonight…”

“What, after you worked me over? Planning on grabbing a pint later, maybe having a laugh?” There was a moment of awkward silence. Colin blushed, embarrassed.

“You’re such an arse.” Said John.

“Now now,” said Mycroft arriving from out of the shadows, “ You’re about to become a father, Dr. Watson. Don’t you think it’s time you learn to mind that mouth of yours?” At his words, Colin solidly landed his fist into John’s face.

 John’s head turned with the blow, his mouth filling with blood. He spit angrily.

“Sorry.” Said Colin sheepishly.

“I thought this location most appropriate.” Mycroft said gesturing to the space around them, “Seeing as it was our original place of meeting.”

“Except last time I wasn't jumped, kidnapped, and beaten. You couldn't have just asked?!?" John complained, shifting on his knees. 

“Yes! Well, indeed the circumstances were quite different then!” Sneered Mycroft, “You hadn’t betrayed my brother while leaving him in a compromised position.”

“I didn’t-“ Mycroft held up his hand, and Colin's oxblood toe connected solidly with John’s ribs.

 “Seriously, Johnny, 's nuthin' personal. " He said apologetically as John rolled onto his side with a groan.

“There’s really only so many things that can be done with an alpha like you.” Mycroft said coldly, "...the obvious first one being your complete and utter disposal."

"You swotty git, if you think for one bloody minute - ugh!"  Colin kicked John again.

"My poor Johnny..." He mumbled softly.

"Language, John, Language..." Mycroft smoothed his tie a little before continuing.

"But really! Imagine the poetry of Sherlock's return and your "untimely" demise! Ahaha!" Mycroft chortled lightly.

John rolled his eyes. "Brilliant." He coughed.

"Ahem! No, Personally I believe the best solution is to simply render you incapable of repeating your actions..."

"Is this the part where you get Colin to chop off my balls with a hedge trimmer?" Sneered John. Colin looked nervously over at Mycroft.

"How appropriately crass of you." Smiled Mycroft. He reached into his jacket and produced a syringe.

"Chemical castration is much faster, cleaner, and most importantly - safer."

"Thanks for worrying about my well being."

"I'm not the one who deserves your gratitude, believe me. Fortunately for you, option three has been chosen." Mycroft nodded and Colin pulled John to his feet. The elder Holmes stepped close, shoved his face into John's.

" _We are expecting your happy announcement, Dr. Watson._ " He growled with a grave intent. For a second the two alphas stared at each other. Then John blinked in a moment of realisation.

"You want me to marry Sherlock." He said.

"We do not want, we insist. A marriage and and a bonding proper."

"And if I refuse?"

"There is no refusing." Mycroft smiled, "You have fourteen days to do so on your own accord. After that, we will be forced to 'assist' you."

John sighed. " _We_... _Mummy_." He said with an air of irritable recognition.

Mycroft smiled.

"Fortunately, Mummy's choice does not conflict with mine." He said jamming the syringe into the base of John's neck.

"Ow! Bloody hell!" John cried reeling backwards. Mycroft only smiled more.

"What is it with you lot?!" He roared, "Is this some bloody Holmes family tradition!?! Sticking syringes in people left and righ-"

John stopped himself mid rant, a look of disbelief and sudden understanding on his face.

"Holy Christ." He said. Mycroft raised an eyebrow.

In one swift motion, John jumped through his handcuffs; he clasped his hands together and brought them into Colin's nose. His knee came to meet the henchmen's gut a second later. John brought his fists down on Colin from above, the third blow causing the man to  crumple with a surprised gasp.

"Sorry mate!" John cried, "you can pay me back later-"

Mycroft watched bemused as John ran out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John is really only passive around the omegas...


	10. Breath Play

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In Which_ : Mary follows Sherlock's lead, John suffers the consequences, and the audience comes a little closer to the scandalous events of the past.

The sound of Sherlock’s violin was interrupted by the loud bang of John kicking the door open.

“Sherlock! We need to talk!”

Mary looked up from the book she was reading.

“God! Your face! Your clothes! What’s happened?” She gasped.

“Are those Colin’s?” asked Sherlock, underwhelmed. He put his instrument down next to Mary. John held his arms out, and Sherlock began to fiddle with the cuffs. Mary went into the kitchen and returned with a first aid kit.

“I suppose Mycroft told you to bond with me.”

Mary looked up sharply at the words.

“Your brother’s a right bastard.” answered John.

“That’s nothing new. How long do we have?” Sherlock asked. He stepped slightly to the side, allowed Mary to begin dabbing at John’s face gently.

“Ow- fourteen days…or he promises to make it happen - Ow! Mary, love-!”

Mary had stopped. She stared at the two of them, a look of dread on her face.

“What do you mean?” she said, “John?”

“It’s exactly as it sounds,” muttered Sherlock, “My family is very good at getting what they want…” The left cuff sprung open and John’s hands swung apart, finally free from one another. Sherlock pulled John’s mussed shirt open wider, looked at the irritated red flesh where John had been injected.

“What was it? Did he say anything that might be useful, a clue?”

“He threatened me with chemical castration but I-”

“No. It’s not that-”

“Obviously! I _am_ a doctor, remember?”

“Do you have a blood draw kit handy?”

“No…”

“I do.” said Mary. “Squirrels.” she added with a shrug at their surprised looks.

+++

A  few moments later John was seated at the kitchen table, his blood steadily filling a vial.

“What do you think it is?” asked Mary nervously.

Sherlock had been pacing, hands on his lower back to support his bulging middle. Now he whipped around, looked at John with wide, understanding eyes.

“Something to make him bond with me.” He said.

“What?” Mary and John both cried.

“That prick said two weeks!” added John irritably.

Mary removed the tubing and needle and put a plaster on John’s arm.

“Well, perhaps he lied. He does do that, John.” said Sherlock.

There was a pause.

“It would start with an adrenalin rush. Which by your own account, you’ve just had. How do you feel now?” Sherlock asked.

“I-”

“Restless?”

“Well yeah, but...”

“Amourous?”

John blushed. “I - I don’t know…”

Sherlock turned towards Mary abruptly.

“You’d better go now.”

“What? No!”

“John’s about to get _very_ randy, and we will need privacy. He’s about to experience an ‘alpha heat’. Yes, very randy indeed.”

“What? There’s no such thing!”

“I do feel strange…”

“Don‘t be daft, of course there is. Especially where synthetics are involved. It's only minutes, possibly seconds, before he's feeling too warm,"

"I am warm..."

"His skin overly sensitive, hungry for contact..."

Sherlock ran his hands over John's torso.

"... Ahhh...I ummmmh… well that dosn’t hel-uuuhn-”

"his libido raging out of control... his whole being consumed by the unconquerable desire to plow his huge alpha cock into my soft, wet-"

"Bollocks!" Said Mary, pushing Sherlock’s hands away from John and replacing them with her own, "that just sounds like the usua-"

Sherlock grabbed and held Mary’s wrist. He slid his other hand down the front of John’s shirt, causing John’s eyelids to flutter wildly.

"- he'll be ravishing me like a mad beast any minute. Now, as bonding is such an intimate act I must insist that you go visit Mrs Hudson, or your little friends in the park, or-”

“You bastard! You said there would be no bonding until after the babies are born-” Mary said, shaking herself free.

"You said wait, what?" John asked shaking his head like a drunk man.

“Well, things have obviously changed. Goodbye now…” Sherlock began gently shoving Mary by her bum towards the door. The room was quickly filling with a strange melange of all three of their pheromones, the scent of agitation, arousal, fertility. John’s breathing was quickly becoming laboured.

"Maybe I should just um, lie down or- uh, go to hospital or you could finish analyzing my blood-"

“Hey! No! No bloody way in hell!” Mary shouted. She spun out of Sherlock’s reach quickly and strode back over to John.

“It’s my turn! You said so before!”

“This is different-”

“No! If anyone’s leaving, it’s you! Since you’ve been back you’ve had your way the entire bloody time, you selfish prick!”

“Of course! …Need I remind you again, John is-” before he could finish his sentiment, there was an unmistakable clicking sound.

“Oh Christ.” breathed John. His face was flushed a deep crimson, his eyes glassy, and he was visibly aroused once again. Mary held their cuffed wrists up together.

“I am not going anywhere!” she said triumphantly.

For good measure she plunked herself down on John’s lap and pushed his face down. John instinctively closed his eyes and rubbed his jaw against Mary’s décolletage with a deep inhale and a soft moan. His free hand went to the surface of her swollen belly, and then her to her breast. “Oh Christ…” he cried, “What are you two doing to me!?! Sh...Sherlock…! We n-need...to talk...uhn!...Mary…!” With great effort, he began to sit back up.

"You are just going to have to face it, John is mine now!" Mary said, shoving John's face between her breasts. He let out a muffled moan of surprise into them. “Even if he bloody well bites you in the next thirty seconds, I’m right here!”

Sherlock glared at her. Mary glared back. John panted against her flesh, trembled and salivated.

"You think just because he knocked you up -with twins- that you have a chance? You couldn't be more wrong!" he shouted, "John and I are going to have _many_ more babies.”

“What?”

“In fact, we're planning on having dozens of them!"

John groaned into Mary's breasts again.

"Wh-what?! What are you talking about?!" Mary said aghast.

"Yes! I am going to let John get me pregnant again immediately after I have these two!"

"Well - Well then - so am I!"

"I'll have four next time!"

"As will I!"

"And even more the next!"

"I'll take fertility drugs..."

"I'll be huge with his children all the time..."

"I'll have litters..."

"I'll give birth twice a year... It will get easier and faster the more we do it..."

"one after another..."

"The more he does it to me..."

"I'll be so pregnant people will stare..."

"John won't be able to remember all of their names, he'll make me have so many!"  Sherlock shouted with a wild grin.

"John will -John!" Mary cried in alarm, for he'd suddenly gone from breathing quite hard to groaning loudly and shuddering to completely slack. She lifted her hand from the back of his head in fright.

They watched John's head loll backwards from Mary’s body peacefully.

"Now you've done it. You've killed him with your breasts." Said Sherlock. "My poor, suffocated alpha..."

"He's not dead, he's unconscious! It's your stupid competitive omega-breeder-talk that's what's done it!" She stood shakily.

"Smothering him like that couldn’t have helped, you tart. I was only trying to get him to orgasm, not pass out."

"Well you’ve got both. Help me get him to bed." She said.

The two of them lifted John from either side. John moaned softly, his eyes rolling half mast.

"You know this counts as your turn, don't you?" Said Sherlock. Mary only scowled back at him.

"How many ways can you possibly sabotage us?"

"We'll find out." Said Sherlock. He nodded towards his semi-conscious alpha. "In _whose_ room?" he demanded.

"God! He's not even awake, can’t we just give it a bloody rest?"

Sherlock gave Mary a bitchy smile.

"Never." He said landing a quick kiss by her ear.

Mary looked at him, shook her head.

"Madman. John's in love with a madman."

"You're not quite right yourself, Miss Morstan."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently the omegas can't resist fighting over/seducing John even when he's been injected with a mysterious substance. Good thing this story is inherently cracky.
> 
> Also, those Holmes boys lie a lot.


	11. Cat Nip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In Which_ : Mary discovers a startling truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah just edited it a little, like 5 min after posting. sorry...

"The particular concoction of pheromones we’re releasing while we argue is obviously becoming more effective." Said Sherlock as he opened the window.

John moaned, a slightly silly grin on his face. His eyes rolled open and closed as he took in the cold night air. He sighed like a drunk and reached out towards the ceiling.

“Or perhaps it’s just the end of a long day,” Sherlock added.

"You don't think it was whatever your brother gave him? What about the adrenaline rush you mentioned?"

"No... John is prone to action-man sequences on his own volition. And Mycroft would not take that strategy..."

"God, he's acting like Mr. Tibbs when I give him catnip." said Mary.

Sherlock shot Mary a withering look.

"He should 'sober up' in no time."

"Thanks for nothing." said Mary. She lay next to John on the bed, looked into his face with concern. "John, darling, can you hear me?"

"...Sherlauuuuck..." John crooned.

Mary sighed at John's words. Sherlock looked quite pleased.

"Well, I'll leave you to him then." He said flatly. Mary looked up in surprise.

"I keep my word," Sherlock said, his voice more solemn than usual, "he's yours until morning."

"Apart from his being a semi-conscious, spent and bludgeoned mess, that's quite generous of you."

"I do what I can," answered Sherlock, "Do let me know if you require assistance, the handling of an alpha like John is no easy task, even if you have managed to chain yourself to him..."

"Actually these cuffs are becoming uncomfortab-"

But Sherlock had slammed the door. A moment later a terrible noise came from the other side of it.

"Oh! God! What _is_ that?!" Cried Mary.

“That's, uh, Sherlock feeling ...moody. Or Thinking...Or-"

"John! Are you alright?"

"Yeah, apart from the violin playing." John said softly. The two of them lay on their sides, facing each other, cuffed wrists between them.

"That has to be the most horrid sound I've ever heard." Said Mary after a moment, “it’s like an alley cat getting it on with a squeaky toy!"

“"Ew.” John said. He sighed as the noise continued. "...I suppose he's 'serenading' us."

"Well, It's impressively disruptive." Mary said with a soft smile. "No one could possibly feel romantic with that bloody racket..."

John smoothed the hair away from her face lightly.

"Mary, I'm so sorry I've got you into this-"

"John! Really! As though I'm not an adult..." Mary said pulling closer, "Whatever the difficulties, I'll never regret our babies. And I know you’ll be a good dad..."

John moved his hand to Mary's belly.

"It shouldn't have happened like this though... " He said  guiltily. "The night we got together I..."

"You couldn't have known my heat would come- I didn't know it myself, darling!" Mary stroked John's cheek gently with her free hand.

"No, you don't understand, it is my fault."

"What do you mean?"

"Well... mine and Sherlock's-"

"What?" Mary asked, "Wait...What?" The  smile on her lips had frozen in an expression of burgeoning horror.

John opened his mouth and closed it again. Behind the door, the violin had changed from squeaky toy amourous to murderous.

"I - I think I know what caused you to go into heat that night." John said meekly.

"WHAT."

"I'd forgotten - I - it was such a confusing time - I've only just remembered the injection he gave me-"

"The injection he - You!  - You- you irresponsible alpha bastard!" she shouted. “Are you telling me - are you seriously telling me -  that that self-experimenting lunatic had something to do with this?!? With _the conception of our children?!?!?_ "

John swallowed fearfully.

"...Maybe...Yeah?" He said.

Mary's loving caress quickly turned into a hard slap against John's face. An all too familiar blend of guilt and desire chased its sting and he gurgled reflexively.

“Sorry.” he said, blushing.

She might have imagined it, but Mary thought she heard a low chuckle beneath the sound of tortured violin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock is totally listening behind that door. The brat.


	12. Double Standard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's your fault; I'm pregnant because of you."
> 
> Sherlock's nostrils flared slightly at the words.
> 
> "John told me you two had finally worked it out-"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm afraid to watch season 3

She was hurrying down Marylebone High Street when she heard her name being called.

“John! Oh my god! Its been ages!”

La Fromagerie was just around the corner.

"An espresso, please."

The waiter nodded, his dark curls distracting Mary for a moment. "One espresso…” He said turning her way, “and for you?"

"I'll have a double standard. With an extra shot.”

"Very good.”

“Your own lab at Pfizer,” John said sipping his coffee, “That’s incredible, really impressive.”

“Well, that is, until yesterday…” Mary replied with a modest smile, “I just officially left to work on my own projects…”

“Wow, even better. You always were rather brilliant…”

Mary felt herself blush a little.

“Oh stop it… tell me about what you’re doing…”She said.

“Well, I’ve found the love of my life. My soul mate.”

“John! But that’s wonderful! I’m so happy for you! Tell me more!”

“He’s a brilliant, eccentric, pain-in-the-arse who’s going to make your life a living hell.”

“What?”

“You’re attracted to him as well, which adds to the whole bloody mess.”

The waiter approached the table and set a cheeseboard down. Arrainged beautifully alongside fig spread, foie gras and breads sat a syringe full of pale blue liquid.

“Can I get you anything else?”

John smiled. “No, this is perfect, thanks.” He turned back to Mary. “I think you’ll really like this.” He began to place a little of everything on a plate for her.

“What is it?”

John picked up the syringe and gently, lovingly plunged it into the base of Mary’s neck.

“Pomegranate juice. It is excellent for cerebral development.” He said. His voice was oddly low, the accent suddenly posh and familiar.

Mary looked down. Her stomach was swelling rapidly with his children, getting larger and larger as she watched. John lay on the bed next to her, stroked her expanding belly, kissed her neck and face. She shuddered and gasped in pleasure as his hand slid between her thighs.

Mary arched her back in ecstasy. "It's been so long..." She whispered. He continued to kiss and stroke her, nuzzled her jawline; suckled that most sensitive place for alphas and omegas.

“Let’s make a baby.” The baritone voice whispered back. His hands continued to stroke and stimulate, his breath tickling her neck. The familiar feeling of a heat started to build and smoulder between her legs, in her womb. 

Mary began to wake to real life kisses and caresses, the pleasure carrying over from her dream. John’s free hand stroked her stomach as he’d done last night - after they’d fought and made up and then drifted off to sleep still handcuffed together.

She felt his full mouth on her jawline, and then her own lips. He explored the contour of her shoulders with his other hand - ( _full mouth? other hand!?_ ) -

Mary woke fully and abruptly, her eyes snapping open. A pale blue stare met her own.

“You smell like John,” said Sherlock, “I like that.”

Mary gasped and Sherlock’s tongue darted quickly between her lips.

“You taste of him too, somewhat.”

“Oh my god! What are you doing!”

“Kissing you.” Sherlock said pressing his mouth to hers again. It lasted longer the second time, but Mary pulled away in the end.

“Stop! Stop it!” She cried, flustered.

Sherlock raised himself up partially on his forearm, the curve of his own growing stomach obvious through John’s stolen t-shirt. The underside of his belly brushed lightly against the rise of hers. Mary felt herself shudder at the sensation.

Sherlock looked down at her thoughtfully. His pupils were dilated as he spoke.

“I’d like to get a blood sample from you today. We’ve been living together for a mere twenty-four hours and I’m certain both our endocrine systems have been dramatically affected. Tracking the changes should be interst-”

“Is everything a bloody experiment to you?!?” Mary breathed.

“Nearly everything. You of all people should understand that… ”

"It's your fault; I'm pregnant because of you."

Sherlock's nostrils flared slightly at the words.

"John told me you two had finally worked it out-"

"You knew?!?!"

"Not initially. Only after I'd had a chance to observe John - and ourselves. Do you know we have the same due date?" They were both breathing rather hard. Their swollen abdomens pressed against one another, a strange warmth building between them.

“Where is John?”

“He went to the shop. We’re out of milk, and I ate all the bread and-”

His words were abruptly cut off as Mary pulled him back down and began to kiss him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _OmegaVerse Fun Fact!_  
>  Over 95% of Alphas and Omegas lose control of their bodies, resulting in unplanned pregnancy.


	13. Patchwork

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bed knobs, suppressants, and toast (oh my)...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow you guys, I have had such bad writer's block! So sorry for the wait to whoever is out there reading...  
> Also, I promise there *will* actually be sexy times in this story... it's just a slow, silly burn to get to them, LOL  
> Also! There will soon be art for this story! Hooray! Stay tuned!

"I think you should know," said Sherlock as he nicked the last croissant, "Mary and I nearly had sex in your bed this morning."

John coughed and sputtered, crumbs going everywhere, including down his airway.

"Oh. Um. Wow. No, that's...um, that’s great." John coughed again; it turned into a small wave of them, causing his face to turn bright red as he choked.

"We did not!" Cried Mary, "a few minutes of snogging does not mean-"

"Sixteen minutes, ten seconds of _intense_ snogging." Sherlock corrected as he reached over for Mary's baguette. "Following what was clearly an erotic dream. Mary’s just in denial, despite everything I’ve already explained..."

Mary slapped Sherlock away irritably.

"Hands off!" She snapped, "I'm eating for three as well, you greedy thing. ...No thanks to either of you." Sherlock returned his focus to the lone croissant before him with a disappointed twitch of his mouth. Mary passed John some water and patted his back to help clear his coughing fit.

"John my love, we are in a public space, do try to keep it together, alright?"

****

+++

****

John had returned to the flat to find Sherlock sitting at the kitchen table in front of his microscope.

“Does that thing actually work?” he asked looking at the new contraption that sat nearby.

“It’s not as good as a real centrifuge, but it does the trick for immediate answers.” answered Sherlock, “Tea and toast would be lovely, now that there’s milk.”

John amicably set the kettle, loaded the toaster with bread. A few minutes later he'd set a pile of toast down and had another round going.

“Mary’s not up yet?”

Sherlock picked up a slice and slathered it liberally with marmite and jam.

“She’s chained to your bed. There is no obvious evidence of toxins in your bloodstream but it would be better to analyze it properly - either at Bart’s or if you’d simply bring the rest of my things up I could-”

“Wha-"

“I’ve decided to have you to myself today sans her meddling ways.”

“Christ.” John rushed into the bedroom only to find an empty bed with the top post  missing.

“She’s not there. Sherlock -”

“Perhaps she’s in the shower." Sherlock  munched. "Wherever she went, I'm sure she's fine, I certainly can’t be bothered to keep track of your concubine -Oh! I know!" He said arching an eyebrow, "Perhaps she’s off trying to steal someone else’s alpha!"

John winced, closed his eyes in frustration. He cleared his throat.

“Ignoring that last bit.” he said. “How about telling me what you injected me with the night before you killed yourself?”

Sherlock smiled into his microcosm.

“Does it matter." His nose twitched slightly. "The real question is - Is there more toast on the way?"

“The real question is not ‘what’ but ‘why’?” corrected Mary entering the flat, “Take this bloody thing off me you wanker, before I bludgeon you with it.”

She held out her cuffed wrist and the unwieldy brass sphere the other end was attached to. Sherlock pouted; John raised his eyebrows and began to take away the new plate he’d been just about to set down.

“One thought you’d be content shackled to John’s knob...” Sherlock snorted. He reluctantly began to pick the lock. Mary rolled her eyes.

“I might bludgeon you anyway, just because.” She threatened. The handcuff popped open and she rubbed her wrist in relief. John put the toast on the table.

“There won't be nearly enough.” Sherlock fretted. He took Mary’s wrist in hand and began to rub it gently. John watched in amazement as Sherlock absentmindedly brought Mary's wrist to his lips, kissed the reddened skin, then turned back to the food.

"I see, so you two are close now then." John said sarcastically.

"Is that our new food processor?" lamented Mary looking at the makeshift centrifuge, "That was a wedding gift..."

"Very." Agreed Sherlock. He bit into a fresh slice. "and we're sure to get closer. Definitely not enough toast- we should go out-"

“What? Why?”

“It’s a long story, and I’m hungry. You only bought one loaf of bread at the shop, being too preoccupied with buying the patches you're wearing. What will Mary have while you two are pestering me with dull questions?” He worried between bites.

"No...What did you just say about getting closer?" Asked John.

"What patches?" Mary said, "...and are you seriously saying you need a whole loaf of bread to yourself?"

"Suppressants, between two and five I should think." Sherlock said to Mary. He buttered another slice. "I'm catching up." he insisted with a pat to his belly.

"John? You're wearing suppressant patches?" Asked Mary, "I thought we agreed to go all natural during the pregnancy..."

John rolled up his jumper. The three bright green plasters gave off an odd, medicinal smell.

"I'd like to spend the day relatively clear headed, thank you." he said with a slightly belligerent air.

“That’s unfortunate, they’re almost guaranteed to fail. You ought to take them off before too much of the drug gets into your system."

“These things work, Sherlock. I prescribe them to patients all the time.” John insisted.

“They work for one very specific scenario: alphas who wish to keep their instincts in check around omegas in heat.”

“Or pregnant…hormone-spewing! Which definitely covers this situatio-”

“No, _this_ situation is quite different. All those suppressants will do is throw your system out of whack."  said Sherlock impatiently.

“Why do you say that?” John asked.

“This situation is one that no longer occurs very often, it’s akin to what more commonly happened in the old days…”

“The old days! Is Mycroft suddenly going to show up with a herd of goats in exchange for my taking you on, then?”

“Don’t be an ass John, listen to what he’s saying.” said Mary abruptly. John looked at her in surprise. Sherlock looked pleased.

The kettle clicked.

"Tea." Sherlock urged.

"Sounds lovely." Agreed Mary.

They both looked expectantly at John. John sighed and poured the water.

“We'll still go out, of course.” Sherlock said, “Mary and I are suffering the effects of being unbonded but carrying your children at the same time. Our bodies have been busy sending signals to each other, encouraging altruistic behavior as well as fostering a mutual attraction, a chemical connection, in effect a -”

“Bond?” asked John, blinking.

“Well, I wouldn’t go _that_ far.” snorted Sherlock contemptuously.

“Don’t be absurd John,” added Mary, “If he was the last man on earth, Sherlock is no one I would want to -”

“-The point is,” insisted Sherlock, “that our hormones are doing something entirely different than usual: to us, and to you. We're all under the influence of an intense shift in our biologies at the moment. I'm sure it's making us all more sensitive to the situation... more hormonal, more volatile, more amorous, etcetera.  And before you bother asking, I have no idea how long it will continue for, nor do I see how any of us can possibly escape the intoxicating effects of it."

An awkward silence filled the room as the three of them looked at each other across the kitchen.

"You have no idea..." Mary finally said in disbelief, " _You??_ ...don't know!? After all that...bollocks!"

"If you were of course to bring my equipment back up-”

“Oh, for Christ’s sake! It’s really just about that isn’t it!?!?” Snarled John.

“-Then I could probably make a serum-”

“No more bloody serums! No more injecting people with things!” Cried Mary in a panic.

“The patches are working just fine! I'M FINE!” growled John.

"Irritability, an elevated alpha temper, you’re malfunctioning already.” said Sherlock calmly.

“First off, I am not a bloody robot! I do not ‘malfunction’, alright?!” John scowled, “And secondly, no, I am genuinely ANGRY with you, for reasons that are at this point nearly too numerous to count! _Third_ of all-”

“Don’t shout at him like that!” Mary said. "In fact, why are you shouting at all?"

“What!?!? He left you handcuffed to a bed this morning! He's the one who'd got us into all this! He's the one who...who... just... thoughtlessly fucks with people's hearts and minds and lives!!! SO WHY ARE YOU DEFENDING HIM?!?" Roared John.

His voice had indeed risen dramatically, his face was flushed with emotion.

"Why are you shouting at me now?" complained Mary.

"Hormones." Said Sherlock. "Mary, you and I are in a very confusing way... But you John, you're about to become a trainwreck ..."

"I'M FINE!!" shouted John again.

Sherlock snorted contemptuously and spun round to face John. With a submissive, loving gaze, he rubbed his belly and offered up his mug of tea.

 _'World's Best Daddy'_  it read.

John burst into tears.

"Must you always be right?" Mary said pulling the sobbing mess that had been John close.

"Um... Let me see... _Yes_. Can't be helped I'm afraid. Too brilliant. Now, let's get those patches off him so we can head out to lunch."


	14. Face Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In Which:_ There is some kissing and Mary may finally gain the upper hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone still out there?

"Turn a little- yes, there! Get that one one the left," Sherlock said.

"I'd prefer the M&S brand," said Mary.

"The one on the left," Sherlock repeated.

Both omegas' faces filled the tiny screen. They nudged each other out of the way like hungry cats. John switched the camera back round and looked into his phone.

"Well what if I get both?" He suggested hopefully.

"Don't be ridiculous, Sherlock will just eat all of it, and no one needs that much clotted cream," said Mary.

"You're one to talk," said Sherlock, "where did all the Hob Nobs go to, I wonder?"

"I'm merely looking out for your health!"

"You're trying to get your way," boomed Sherlock.

"What, just because you're pregnant you can suddenly eat anything you like?"

"Hypocrite. Biscuits do not become any more nutritious when crumbled over rocket and garlic."

"That was a very specific one-time craving, " Mary protested. Sherlock rolled his eyes.

"Oh, a craving! What a terrible predicament," he said.

"I wouldn't be in this predicament if it weren't for you,"

"You mean you wouldn't be here, if only you'd kept your hands off my alpha. I'm sure, however, you'd have managed to get yourself knocked up by someone else-"

The tiny old woman next to John turned away from the dairy products to look at him in curiosity.

John felt himself turning red. He gave her what he hoped was a genuine smile.

"What's with the shit-eating grin?" Mary asked suspiciously.

"Most likely there's another patron nearby- perhaps an attractive omega," said Sherlock, "As we've already seen, an alpha like John is a magnet for slutty-"

"Look, could you two keep it down? I'm in a public place, you know," John hissed.

"John, the M&S brand is of a better quality for the price," Mary said, pushing forward. Her face filled the frame. Sherlock's hand abruptly appeared and shoved her aside.

"Get the larger container, John. We need it, I'm planning on spreading it all over your big alpha-"

John switched off his phone and took a deep breath. Shopping had never been so challenging -nor titillating.

He looked back over to his right.

The old woman was shaking her head at him, her gesture somewhere between sympathetic and judgemental.

"Try to remember a condom next time, dear," she said.

+++

"...and then maybe Mary can have the remnants!"

"You can stop talking. He's hung up, you know," Mary said. Sherlock looked into the laptop curiously.

"John?"

Mary scoffed and waddled into the kitchen.

Sherlock followed her sulkily.

"You're getting baby brain," Mary said.

"Don't be ridiculous,"

"It's true, in the past few days, you've got flaky," Mary said. Sherlock looked insulted.

"I'm perfectly fine," he said, "in fact, I'm working a case for The Yard right now,"

"What, right this moment?"

"Indeed. I'm reviewing the facts in my mind as we speak. The London Zoo is missing a Pygmy hippo." Sherlock rumbled. Mary stopped to look at him in astonishment.

"Really?"

"Yes, her name's Mar-"

"Oh do shut up," said Mary irritably. She pulled two cups out and placed them on the table, then filled the kettle.

"You're cranky today," said Sherlock.

"I wonder why. Perhaps it's because I'm pregnant and living with an utter pain-in-the-arse against my will," Mary scowled.

"Perhaps it's time you started sleeping with John again,"

"Excuse me!"

Sherlock sat down at the table and watched with interest as she brought an unmarked tin out from the back of the far cupboard.

"You'll feel better after a good shag," he said. "I know I always do."

"Mind your own business! What even makes you think we haven't been-"

"I don't think, I know," said Sherlock, "between John's guilt and your poor physical condition-"

Mary set the tin down with a defensive bang.

"My what!"

"You don't smell of each other properly. Not quite. You're slightly underweight. That was all true for me as well, up until recently," Sherlock said, patting his swollen form.

Mary rolled her eyes.

"You've been eating like a pig nonstop," she said. Sherlock opened the tin.

"And shagging like a whore," he added. "it's good for pregnant omegas to do so. It benefits their health and the health of their offspring. And it guarantees pleasure during childbirth-"

"Studies suggest that's not completely true. Guarantee is a very strong word, Sherlock,"

Sherlock shook a few of the small crumbly biscuits out of the tin and into his palm.

"Nearly guarantees, then. The point is, unless you want to give birth in pain like a beta, have sickly children, continue to be sad and alone without loving, physical contact-"

"Oh my god, stop!" Mary shouted, "Aren't you the one who's blocked us at every turn?"

"I'm simply suggesting what best for the babies," Sherlock said, popping the biscuits into his mouth.

"I see, so it's got nothing to do with me at all,"

"Obviously that's not true, it's what's best for you as well. I've said as much,"

"Then I suppose you'll finally step aside, and let us get on with things,"

"You know I can't do that," munched Sherlock. He shook out the tin again.

"What! Why not? You've just insisted I sleep with John,"

"Omega instinct. Can't be helped. It's hormonally driven, and quite compulsive,"

Mary watched in disbelief as he scarfed down another handful of biscuit.

"You're mad!"

"Perhaps, but I'm also being completely honest. John is mine. And I'm worried about your health. Both things are true," Sherlock said candidly.

He took Mary's hands in his own and squeezed with gentle affection. Mary furrowed her brows.

"You're driving me mad as well," she sighed. Sherlock nodded solemnly.

"I can have that effect on people," he said, "that is why I get so attached to those who do stick around,"

"What?"

"May I kiss you?" Sherlock asked, "You're so lovely,"

Mary stared at Sherlock in wonder. Sherlock abruptly nuzzled against her. He kissed her face, pressed his nose under her jaw and inhaled.

Her phone chimed, rudely pulling them apart.

"Hi," said John, "did you want red or green curry paste?" He looked nervously into the camera as he braced himself for the answer.

"Massa...ahem! Massaman," Sherlock said.

"Massaman is fine," said Mary. John looked surprised.

"Ok," he said.

"Kiplings... I mean kippers... don't forget kippings for my toast," Sherlock added slowly. He shook his head in confusion, then blinked hard.

"Right," John squinted suspiciously at them.

"Everything alright over there?"

"We're fine, we'll see you soon, darling," said Mary.

She brought the phone close to her face and smiled, then kissed the camera in an over dramatic manner. Sherlock swooned, suddenly gripping the edges of the kitchen table, his eyes rolling.

"Sqrels," He slurred, "Sqrrrrrrrrrlss!" The sentiment ended with an incomprehensible gurgling sound.

"Er. Okay then," said John.

Mary remained calm and cheerful while out of frame Sherlock flailed wildly. He reached for her phone, his long arms hopelessly missing by a mile.

"Bye darling," she said.

"Jawwwwwwwn!" Sherlock managed to wail. Mary placed the phone down, and watched Sherlock collapse onto the table. He lay slumped over, a desperate, rebellious expression on his face.

"I'll admit, you're appealing when you're being kind," Mary said as his eyes began to close,

"But the idea of a peaceful afternoon was just too tempting today."

She crossed his arms and propped them underneath his head gently. Her breath tickled his ear as she spoke.

"I was going to go to the park, but since you've eaten nearly all my squirrel stash, perhaps I'll take your advice and wait for John to come home instead, you silly, greedy thing,"

Sherlock moaned and widened his eyes as best he could, which was not very much.

"Shhhh. Shhhh. Don't fight it, just relax. You'll be fine in a bit, I promise," soothed Mary. By the time she'd put a blanket over him and kissed his cheek, Sherlock was snoring peacefully.


	15. Light My Fire or Cock Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In Which:_ Mary is foiled, John is overstimulated, Sherlock is cuffed.

"Oh for fucks' sake!" Mary cried as John sat bolt upright, "Things were just getting good, you wanker!" Sherlock looked unfazed. Mary and John were tangled together on the sofa, bits of clothing clothing strewn on the sofa in disarray. John's eyes were shiny and alarmed. He cleared his throat uncomfortably and tried pathetically to hide the rather large erection under his red pants.

"Sherlock! You're awake!" He chirped.

"Where did you make these?" Sherlock demanded. He rattled the tin at Mary obnoxiously.

"In the kitchen! Where else does one bake biscuits?! Why are you awake already?"

Sherlock sat himself down awkwardly on John's lap, as much was possible, given his size.

"I have a fast metabolism, and you are lying, at least partially," Sherlock accused, "where is your secret laboratory, Miss Morstan!?" He rattled the tin again.

"Please stop that," John said with a wince.

"It's off limits to you, that's all you need know," Mary answered calmly.

"John?"

"Don't you say a word, John Watson!"

John looked helplessly between the two omegas.

"Look, stop trying to make me choose sides," he complained.

"You love it," said Sherlock dismissively. To illustrate his point, he flicked the tip of John's cock.

John squirmed and let out a strange little gasp.

"That's the one thing we can agree on," Mary said to John, "This has been nothing but a kink fest for you! If I have to watch you get off on our fighting one more time I'll-"

"The real issue is why does she have a lab, and I don't?!?" Whined Sherlock, "Don't you love me, John?" He flicked John again.

"Oh for crying out loud, could you be any more of a manipulative drama queen!" Mary said. She turned back to John.

"Get him his stuff from downstairs, anything to keep him preoccupied!" Mary said, sliding her hand between John's legs. Sherlock beamed triumphantly at her words, then scowled and tried to knock her hand away. The two omegas slapped at each other for a moment, causing John to writhe in pleasure.

"Where -will we put it?" John finally gasped with some difficulty. Each of them was gripping him through the red cotton, glaring angrily at one another.

"Upstairs, where Mary's is - was," Sherlock said.

"What? No!"

“That’s - ow- um - you’re; holding me a little tight you guys -” John breathed.

"Yes," said Sherlock, "I might even let you visit sometime," he began to move his hand steadily.

"You said you didn't know where it was!" Mary said. She too, was moving now. An aggressive rhythm had formed between the two of them. John moaned, his fingers digging into the sofa.

"I know everything," said Sherlock, "including the fact that you were planning on poaching my alpha after drugging me!”

"You - told - me - he was napping!" gasped John.

"He was," said Mary defensively, "and he mainly did the drugging himself,"

“You were going for a bonding, I smelled those pheromone boosters you put on!”

“And here I thought you were being affectionate. Why shouldn’t I try to get him to bond with me? You’ve done as much more than once now,” said Mary. John groaned as she abruptly pulled his pants down, freeing his cock. Both omegas stopped in surprise.

“Oh _John_.” Sherlock said, pleased.

“When did that happen!” Mary exclaimed, “You’re bloody huge!”

"Just now," suggested Sherlock.

John blushed.

“I-” his sentiment was cut off with a yelp as both omegas grabbed him, and a new competition began, the two working him furiously.

"Oh Christ-" John arched his back, his eyes rolling in ecstasy and terror.

Sherlock was kissing him from the right side of his jaw and face, Mary the left. Occasionally they shoved at one another with a free hand. John turned his head and tasted Sherlock, then turned again. Mary's mouth met his. A moment later Sherlock had shoved her aside with his own.

The two omegas began kissing each other angrily. Suddenly there was more shoving than kissing, and with a grunt of protest, Sherlock tumbled from John's lap onto the floor, but not before taking Mary with him.

"Bitch!" Sherlock spat angrily.

"Bitch! Bitch!" Mary spat back.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?!" Roared John. He jumped up, a strange, crazed look in his eye. "You're like bloody children! You're omegas! You're supposed to be docile!"

"Really, John?" Asked Mary,"did you _really_ just say that?"

"That," said Sherlock, "is a very conventional, sexist attitude. Not to mention dull. You're not normally dull-"

John pounced on Sherlock with a roar.

"You want to be preoccupied?!? Entertained?!?" Sherlock gave a yelp of surprise as John forced his head to the floor.

"John! What are you doing?!?" Cried Mary.

The sound of the handcuffs clicking was followed by a strange growl. John turned to Mary, eyes blazing, his enormous erection still present and formidable looking.

"Come here, your turn," he said.

"What? No!" Mary jumped up and began to move away. Behind John, Sherlock knelt face down, bum high, hands cuffed behind his back.

"No more cuffs, I'll have to tie you," John said, snatching up his belt, "then I'm going to fuck you both silly-"

"I don't want you to tie me!" Mary moved in desperate arcs, keeping the sofa between them.

"John! Don't bother with her!" Sherlock said into the carpet, "just fuck me silly now!"

"John, darling! Please try and calm down!"

"Shut up! Both of you! You're MINE! MINE! MY omegas! From now on I'll do whatever I want with you!" John shouted. With another roar, he jumped the sofa. Mary opened her mouth to scream as he caught her.

Her cry was replaced by the shrill sound of the smoke detector.

John stared at Mary in confusion.

"Were you cooking something?" Mary shouted.

"I might have put some toast on!" Sherlock shouted back.

"Oh my god!" John ran to the kitchen door.

"Don't!" Mary shouted, but he'd already opened it. Smoke poured into the parlour. Golden light flickered and danced, illuminating the three of them as they watched the kitchen burn.

+++

The little rooftop greenhouse was nearly hidden within the building's old architecture, which gave it an extra cosy feel.

Inside, Mary picked leaves from the lush array of vegetation she'd cultivated, and put them in a teapot.

"None for me," Sherlock said good humouredly, "who knows what you'll slip in there,"

"John? Herbal tea?" Mary asked.

"Yeah, that sounds lovely. Thanks," John said. He was curled up in a wicker chair with a blanket, looking a bit like a rescue victim. 

The alpha aggression in him seemed to have dissipated, the wild look in his eyes gone.

"You look tired, darling," Mary said as she handed him a cup. 

Sherlock alternately poked around the plants and the bench full of equipment in admiration.

"This is incredible, what you've done in such a tiny space," he said.

"Thank you, it's my pride and passion," Mary said.

"We should be quite comfortable tonight, it's small but there are lot of interesting things in here," Sherlock added. He looked into the electron microscope she had set up. Mary rolled her eyes and smiled.

"Well as long as you're not bored," she said.

"No," agreed Sherlock. He watched her as she put some cat food into a dish and opened a window. A little black cat appeared on the sill.

"At least it smells nice up here. What a stench! Who puts kippers and marmite into a toaster?" Mary teased.

"I was saving time,"

"Baby brain, I say,"

"It will air out eventually," said Sherlock.

"In ten weeks, give or take," Mary suggested with a gentle pat to his belly.

"Ha, " Sherlock said dryly.

"These are rather good," John said. The two omegas turned.

"John! You haven't eaten the rest of that tin, have you?" Mary said.

John looked at them naively as he sipped his tea and munched the last of the digestives he'd found.

"I'm sorry, I - was starving... Haven't eaten yet today." He stammered, "There weren't that many left anyway and the takeaway should be here soon - what?"

+++

"How are we going to manage the actual caring of children?" Mary lamented fifteen minutes later. John was snoring, the little cat settled on top of him comfortably. Sherlock put another dumpling onto her plate. He and Mary sat on the floor together on a blanket, their Chinese food spread out picnic style.

"Brilliantly," he said.

Mary looked up through the roof at the stars, then poured Sherlock another cup of tea.

"Unconventionally, I suppose," she added.

Sherlock nodded.

"Of course," he smiled, "would you expect anything less?"


	16. The Green Man (Again)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You've been far too quiet," said Lestrade, "Out with it then - how is life as a rogue?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sunday night pub time...

The Green Man was full enough on the weekend that people spilled out onto the street in front of it. They had a table however, as the lads had been there since midday.  Now John sat, sozzled and sombre as his friends grilled him.

"You've been far too quiet," said Lestrade, "Out with it then - how is life as a rogue?" He grinned.

"Christ! I'm not a bloody rouge, you wanker!" John snapped.

He shifted uneasily in his seat, causing Lestrade to raise an eyebrow.

"Everything alright down there? You've been squirming all day,"

"Yeah, it's just you know, pregnancy related stuff, they're hitting their third trimester, and so the induction related growth has been a little intense," John said.

Lestrade chuckled.

“Johnny's a big boy now, eh? You must be exhausted, you've got two omegas to stay on top of, literally,"

“Shut up," John growled, "it's really uncomfortable!"

"Cranky! Alright mate, alright. No need to get your alpha on- " Greg held his hands up in mock fear. "Can't blame a guy for living vicariously, you know!"

"Believe me, it's not an enviable position," John sipped at his lager, a look of self pity plastered across his face.

"Two slutty unbonded omegas up the duff and fighting over you? And a monster cock to go with it? Right, sounds terrible!" Snorted Greg.

John rolled his eyes.

"It isn't like that. Not -exactly," he said.

Colin passed him the crackling sympathetically. His hulking stature and the tape on his nose from where John had broken it made him look like a sad boxer.

"They still fighting then, Johnny?" He asked.

"Like cats and dogs," John said between munches, "Only- Only sometimes when I'm not looking they seem to get quite ...cosy,"

"Ooh. How's that?" Asked Greg eagerly.

"the other day, I came back with the shopping and the two of them were-"

"Yeah?"

"Curled up together on the sofa, napping."

"Aw! C'mon mate! We're counting on you for some juicy omega-on-omega action stories here, not domestic fluff!" Cried Greg, "let's hear something good!"

John squinted, replaying the week's events through his mind.

"Well... The other day they were fighting over the bath?" He offered.

"Oh! All soapy and angry like? Did you get in there with 'em?" Lestrade asked, excited again. Colin's eyes widened in interest.

John blinked at the memory.

"Er, no, I - um, actually spent the afternoon heating extra water."

Greg slapped his palms to his face with a groan. Colin smiled and patted John on the back.

"There's a good lad," he said, "taking care of his family."

"You are absolutely pathetic, you know that, right?" Said Lestrade. He turned accusingly from John to Colin.

"And you! You've gotta be the sappiest maniac in London," he said.

Colin shrugged.

"Johnny's never been lucky in love," Colin said, "I'm just trying to help the poor sod feel better, like usual." He nudged the crackling towards John again.

"Right. Thanks for pointing that out," said John under his breath.

"Yeah, well, seems like now all the luck's come at once," grinned Lestrade, "how you of all people managed to knock up two omegas - and so very thoroughly I might add-  in such a short space of time is, well, just one big nasty mystery, innit?"

"Look, it's just not the porn flick that seems to be playing in your pervy mind," said John grumpily, "Omegas can get quite demanding when they're in a family way!"

"And apparently some alphas can get quite whipped! You must at least be getting loads of tail, right?" said Greg hopefully.

John blushed.

"It's complicated?"

"Fuck. That's it. Whose round is it now?" Greg said in exasperation.

"That's all for me, actually..." Said John, "I've gotta get back home."

"'Course you do!" Greg said rolling his eyes, "You've gotta get back to bake fairy cakes or pink meringues or something..."

"Don't be ridiculous, I'm bringing back takeaway,"

"Actually Johnny," said Colin sheepishly, "I didn't just come to give you your fifty back,"

"What?"

"Mycroft wants a wee word..."

"Awwww fuck! Fucking bloody fuck!" John cried.

"You said you'd come if you was asked nicely!  And I thought it would be lovely if we had our pint first..." Whined Colin.

"Colin, you are a top shelf pain in the arse-"

"It's just business, Johnny-"

"I never did understand why you work for that posh git," muttered Lestrade.

"Oh, the benefits are amazing."

"Fine, fine, fine!" Snarled John impatiently, "got the car here?"

Colin beamed happily.

"It's out front," he said.

"Alright, go wait for me there, I just need to settle up with Cookie,"

Greg and John watched Colin leave, a spring in his oversized step.

"Your cousin's a bit of an eejit," said Greg.

"You don't know the half of it," John said, "growing up, we all thought he'd be a ditch digger or something."

"Instead he works for the government," said Greg shaking his head, "he did pay the last round, didn't he?"

"That he did," said John. He pulled his jacket on and went out the back door.

****  
  
  
  
  



	17. Baby Names

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In Which:_ Sherlock is feeling frisky, Mary suffers the consequences, the power of names is briefly discussed.

"Stop pacing," Mary said. She did not bother to look up from her notes. "you're driving me mad,"

Sherlock did not stop pacing. Instead he let out a low sigh of dissatisfaction.

"It is dull here without John," he said.

"You're normally quite good at amusing yourself," Mary offered.

Sherlock sighed again, wandered aimlessly into the kitchen, then returned.

"I need him, _now_ ," he complained.

"Why not go to the pub to meet him then?" Mary said hopefully.

Sherlock only scowled and resumed his pacing. He alternately supported his back with his hands, then brought them round to the front, rubbing his swollen abdomen compulsively.

"We really ought to do it sooner than later," he suddenly said. He plunked himself down heavily next to Mary. Mary continued writing.

"What, go to the pub?"

"Sex," said Sherlock, settling himself against her side, "It isn't good to go so long resisting our hormonal-"

"That again," Mary said. She closed her journal and turned to him. Mary picked Sherlock's hand (which had somehow found its way to the underside of her belly) off of herself gently.

"Look, Sherlock, I don't know another way to put this, but all the little affections we've been sharing aside, I'm really not attracted to omegas,"

Sherlock stared at her.

"Neither am I," he said.

"Good, so then we can agree that-"

Sherlock's mouth met hers, turning her rational rebuff into a muffled exclamation of protest, which quickly dwindled to a hum. Before long, they were locked together in mutual urgency.

"What?" Said Mary several minutes later. Her eyelids fluttered erratically as she inhaled. She could still taste Sherlock, who also tasted of John. This was no surprise, for the flat was now a strange petri dish of conflict and attraction. All three of their scents were mingled and permeated everything.

Sherlock brushed his left hand along her cheek tenderly. The two stared at each other.

"I - didn't say a thing," Sherlock finally exhaled.

Without warning, he snatched Mary's notebook up in his right hand.  "But I was thinking you really ought to reconsider this list you're making,"

He flipped the book open. "Family names are all well and good, but they can also be cumbersome," He rumbled.

"Wha-? Cumber- Give it back! Mind your own business! They're my children, I'll name them as I please!" Cried Mary. She attempted to yank her journal from him with little success. Instead he held it up, high and back, his long arms keeping it well out of her reach. The two of them pressed close together as she crawled over him, straddling him on raised knees in an attempt to retrieve it.

"Naturally," He continued, "one then assumes you're ok with the emotional and developmental issues you're sure to give them..."

"What!"

"Everyone knows names shape people as they grow up. If you're set on having your children tormented, teased, made self-conscious, become celebrities, then by all means, do carry on," said Sherlock snidely.

"Ooh! You're so arrogant! And one to talk about family names!"

"In fact, I am speaking from experience," Sherlock said with a sombre expression.

Mary stopped, embarrassed.

"Oh, Sherlock! I am sorry! Of course! I didn't mean-"

"Not to mention, from a place of brilliance," said Sherlock.

"As if you haven't championed your 'superior intellect' at every opportunity." Mary huffed. She reached over him.

Sherlock switched the book from his right to his left, then back again.

"It's merely a reminder; after all, you by contrast, can be quite daft," he said.

"How can you go from irritating to sympathetic to infuriating so quickly?" Mary said, bracing her hands on his shoulders. Once again, a strange heat was rising between them, their bodies pressing against one another.

"Now you sound like John. Who incidentally suffers the opposite burden. His name being common to a level of near anonymity- a lesser being would posses no personality at all,"

"Well, thank god he's not a lesser being!" Mary said sarcastically.

"As if my alpha and the father of my children would be anything less than exceptional," agreed Sherlock, "you're so very lucky I'm sharing him with you for the moment,"

Mary rolled her eyes, made another quick, failed grab at the book.

"Right. What are you going to name your children, then?" Exasperated, she sat down, straddling Sherlock and crossing her arms with a final air of defeat. Sherlock gave her a triumphant, bitchy smile. He lowered the book and began scrutinising her list.

"Something rather classical," said Sherlock, "I have a mental list of exactly two hundred and fifty three candidates if you'd like to hear them. They're _much_ better than yours,"

"Look, I thought you wanted to shag!" Said Mary irritably. She pushed the notebook aside. Sherlock's empty hands alighted gently on her hips. They were both breathing hard.

"We could go through my list instead, and I can explain to you why each name is a brilliant choice," he suggested. Mary pushed her nose under his jawline and inhaled. She suddenly realised how intensely they were gripping one another.

"Annoying, so bloody annoying. Anything to make you stop talking! Shut up and fuck me," said Mary. The buttons on his shirt popped off easily in her hands; he _had_ gained quite a lot of weight in a very short amount of time.

"Finally," Sherlock breathed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I am working on the other series... if you are out there, if you are reading, if you are wondering...


	18. The Surrogate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "SHERLOCK BLOODY HOLMES! What have you done to me?!?!" Shouted Mary.

"Bloody hell!" Mary shouted angrily. The knocking had been going on for quite sometime. Despite the headache it was affording her, she pulled a robe on and ran to the door.

"John?!" she shouted furiously, "do you even know what time it is?!"

John stood in the street, a strange look on his face.

"John?" Mary asked, "Where have you been?"

Abruptly, he reached out and grabbed her breasts with both his hands and squeezed, hard.

"Ouch! What!" Mary cried, "John! Stop it! John! Ow!"

John opened his mouth as if to speak, but instead began to meow, soon his voice was a chorus of cats.

The knocking resumed in the waking world, its sound pulling her from her dream.

Mary opened her eyes... and screamed.

+++

Sherlock had let Colin in and was watching him load the new toaster, which sat among his half unpacked lab equipment. The blackened, smoke stained wall behind them still gave off a distinct odour of burnt fish and mould.

"Just the other side of golden," Sherlock urged.

"What was that?" Colin asked.

"That would be Mary, she's quite the drama queen," said Sherlock, "don't mind her,"

Colin nodded.

"Johnny's second omega, I reckon."

"No, no, she's-"

"SHERLOCK BLOODY HOLMES! What have you done to me?!?!" Shouted Mary. She burst into the kitchen, dishevelled and panicked, cradling her breasts. The robe she'd pulled on was haphazardly tied half shut.

"Good morning," Sherlock said evenly. He was wrapped in his sheet and looked thoroughly relaxed with a cup of tea before him.

"Fuck off! What have you done, you fucking- fucking-"

"Fucking," Sherlock said, cutting her off, "yes, that's it, more or less."

"What?"

"I assume you're talking about your breasts," said Sherlock, "the degree to which they've grown is impressive,"

The toaster clicked and Colin put four slices of toast on a plate.

"Jam, Marmite, or just butter?" He asked.

"Jam and butter, thank you," said Sherlock absently.

"Who is this?" Mary said in sudden alarm.

"This is John's kinsman, and my brother's personal bruiser. His name is Colin. Would you say you're a D cup at this point?"

"Pleased to meet you," said Colin, "Quite a nice little place you have here,"

He tried to avert his gaze from her breasts, failed, tried again, and at last settled on staring at them instead.

"You look nearly double D to me," he finally offered,"like a cuppa?"

"And she'll need some toast," said Sherlock.

Mary's face turned crimson. She crossed her arms self consciously over her chest.

Colin turned the kettle on.

"It hurts," she said to Sherlock, "make it stop."

Sherlock bit into a piece of toast thoughtfully.

"I'm afraid there's no stopping things at the moment. It's your own body that's doing it, now that it knows,"

"What? My body knows what? What are you talking about?"

"You are one of the laziest biologists I've ever met," Sherlock said.

"I'm not. This is odd, and I suspect your fault somehow,"

"Even so-"

"Even so I'm a botanist, okay?"

"This is basic biology. Granted, it's an uncommon scenario, but-"

"Sherlock," Mary said, closing her eyes in strained patience, "Out with it!"

"Four babies need a lot of food," said Sherlock, reaching for another slice of toast.

Mary stared at him.

"I-"

"You'll be nursing mine too, of course, that's what surrogates do,"

"That's bloody presumptuous of you! Who says I'm your surrogate!?"

"You do," Sherlock said. He nodded toward Mary's swollen breasts.

"Your body got the message - from last night's swapping of body fluids no doubt- "

"You make it sound so romantic!"

"- it knows there are two more of John's offspring to care for, very specifically mine. As a result, your body's adjusting accordingly."

"That's not how surrogacy works! That doesn't explain going from a B cup to a D in less than twelve hours. It's far too fast," Mary said.

"I thought it was D. I am surprised at the speed your body's changing; your system's probably confused and overcompensating, trying hard to catch up after months of celibacy. In any case, it's good we two are finally getting in sync-"

"In sync! I -I can't nurse four children! It's too much! I was worried about handling the two!" Wailed Mary.

"You're obviously going to be making more than enough milk, why wouldn't you share?" Sherlock said, suddenly sliding his hand along her breast. Mary slapped him away.

"Hands off!" She snapped. Sherlock picked up his cup instead and sipped, unperturbed.

"I'd like to take some blood samples from you right away, to track what new antibodies you're making", He said, "There ought to be many, now that you've had access to my immune system."

Mary sank into a chair, looking shell shocked as the new reality began to weigh on her.

"This is a nightmare," she lamented. Colin placed a cup of tea in front of her.

"Milk and sugar?" he asked gently.

"Naturally, we'll have to have sex regularly from now until they're born to stay in sync," Sherlock mused. "Of course," he continued, "you must start sleeping with John too,"

"John. Where is John?" Mary asked, looking up, "He - did he not come home last night?"

"Ach," said Colin, " I got distracted with the tea and toast - I came here to tell you that Johnny's-"

"Been kidnapped," Sherlock said.

They both turned to him in amazement. Sherlock sighed and pushed his empty plate towards Colin expectantly.

"I'll need all of my energy to explain to you two," he said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what am I even writing... ahghaahgghgjsdfhdjkfshjkgdjkfgbdf


	19. The Cake is a Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You bastard, untie me," John demanded.
> 
> "Not possible at the moment," Mycroft said, "however, I'll have Colin attend to you shortly,"

Early Monday morning at Selfridges held its usual quiet, the shopping frenzy of Saturday and Sunday dwindled to a lull. The few patrons were still sleepy from their own weekends, and they wandered about quietly, perfect docile consumers.

This left the interior's ability to transmit sound frightfully effective.

“That’s too tight! Stop it!”

“If it’s too tight, remove it,”

“Why are you even in here? I’ve told you I don’t need your help, I bloody well know how to pick out my own bra-”

The answer to this question was the distinct sound of kissing.

"In fact, you have a history of choosing the wrong size." breathed Sherlock a moment later. "It's obvious from the marks on your shoulders, you tend to tighten the straps too much, implying you buy too large-"

"I don't need my undergarment habits deduced, you arrogant wanker. Get out,"

A shopper stopped to listen, a bemused look upon his face at the heavy breathing and smacking sounds that followed.

The nervous young saleswoman returned with her supervisor, a no-nonsense looking beta with impeccable grey hair.

“Excuse me,” she said, “there’s only one person at a time allowed in our fitting rooms,” There was a pause.

“Now see what you’ve done,” Mary finally gasped in embarrassment, “I told you to get out!”

Sherlock was abruptly shoved from behind the heavy wine coloured curtain, looking unapologetic if not flushed.

“You have my trousers,” he said. True enough, his legs were bare, the maternity shirt he wore just barely covering his bum. Mary tossed the trousers out angrily.

“I’m going to have to ask you both to leave,” said the supervisor.

+++

The sound of his name was confusing. As John drifted in and out of consciousness he couldn't quite tell where it had come from. Perhaps he'd imagined it. His shoulders ached, they were tied tightly behind him. Between a full day at the Greenman and an assault he could barely recall, his head was a pounding wreck. He would have opened his eyes but for the blindfold.

He'd just decided he had imagined it, when he heard it again.

"Can you hear me?" Mycroft's voice crackled, "John?"

"What?" He replied groggily. The sound of his own voice bouncing off hard walls pulled him into a fully conscious state.

John shook his head and groaned as he began to make sense of the words, to recognise the voice.

"You bastard, untie me," John demanded.

"Not possible at the moment," Mycroft said, "however, I'll have Colin attend to you shortly,"

'What is it with you waylaying me? There are easier ways to get off, you know! In fact, there are professionals who are quite good at the whole alpha-on-alpha-bdsm thing-"

"As much as I'd love to take credit as your captor, I'm afraid I can't lay claim to your abduction this time," said Mycroft.

"What?"

"Make no mistake, I was planning on binding and beating you, only someone else has got to it first,"

"So it wasn't Colin that jumped me in the alley," John muttered.

"A most brilliant observation. I see baby brother's finally starting to wear off on you," Sneered Mycroft. His voice was tinny and high, adding an extra layer of annoyance to the exchange.

"An unknown third party is to blame," Mycroft mused, "although given a cursory amount of thought, the list of potential culprits is quite short. As usual, the list is comprised of my brother's foes,"

John sighed.

"For fuck's sake, I'm too hungover for this. Just tell me what's going on, yeah?" He said.

"You seem to be in Felixstowe,"

"...Suffolk?"

"My guess is you're in the container port, most likely in a container," said Mycroft.

"That would explain the acoustics," John muttered.

"Indeed. It will take an hour or so for Colin to get to you. In the meantime, we've wedding plans to discuss," Mycroft said, "after all, I was preparing quite a similar scenario, thus we might make the best of things and proceed as planned,"

"Right. You can go fuck yourself first," snapped John, "then suck my knot, then-"

"That mouth of yours is really very appalling, even for a military man," sighed Mycroft, "Rest assured, I will do something to help you with it the next time we're occupying the same physical space,"

There was a pause.

"Hang on," John demanded, "You're not here, Colin's not here,"

"Another demonstration of genius,"

"Nor is there a speaker. No echo to your voice, only mine... I'm not actually hearing you, am I? How are we talking?"

"That's a government matter. Classified," said Mycroft.

"Bloody Hell! Are you somehow ...in my head?!?"

"I will now run over your options for choice of cake," said Mycroft, "it is a pity I can't force you to taste them as well,"

"Mycroft, look I don't -"

"Vanilla sponge with jam and buttercream, Chocolate sponge with chocolate buttercream and almonds,"

"Mycroft, listen, stop,"

"Lemon sponge with lemon curd buttercream,"

"Get out! Shut up!"

"All-butter sponge with buttercream, bitter marmalade, and white-chocolate icing, do try and keep track, lest I should have to start over," said Mycroft calmly.

"Why are you doing this?" John moaned.

"It's important to Mummy that the wedding be both proper and real. Moreover, that some level of personal choice be in play. She has placed the burden of this on me, which I am in turn, placing on you. Your being tied and bludgeoned is merely an extra for leaving my brother in a delicate condition, two-timing him, and generally wasting my time."

"I didn't-"

"Now, we mustn't dawdle. There are still several more sponge options, then a whole list of fruitcakes we must get through," Mycroft said, "not to mention, your actual captors may wish to interrogate you, eventually,"

"You're a sadistic bastard," said John.

"You are merely experiencing the consequences of your actions, dear doctor." Mycroft said, "That woman in M&S was spot-on about the condom,"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _And now a brief Q &A session with the author and some of the players._
> 
>  
> 
> Okbutjusthisonce - _shouldn't you guys be busy rescuing John, not doing naughty things in department stores?_
> 
> Sherlock - _Mary needed a bra. She couldn't simply walk around looking like a promiscuous tart, even if she is one. John will be fine. I've read ahead._
> 
> Mary - _it's Sherlock's fault, all of it, my pregnancy, our sexual proclivity. I can't say no to him. Have you noticed how much he touches me without invitation? Like I'm his!_
> 
> Okbutjusthisonce - _I'm sorry. Acceptance of misogynistic behaviour/male privilege seems to happen to a lot of women when they encounter BBC Sherlock - women who are otherwise intelligent, independant feminists. It might be part of his appeal._
> 
> Mary - _so you understand, then. I'm glad._
> 
> Okbutjusthisonce - _..._
> 
> Sherlock - _I object to that, I'm a docile omega in this one._
> 
> Mary - _what a load of bollocks!_
> 
> Sherlock - _and it ends well for us all._
> 
> Okbutjusthisonce - _No spoilers, please._
> 
> Sherlock - _I'd like some of that cake Mycroft was mentioning._
> 
> Okbutjusthisonce - _are you trying to blackmail me?_
> 
> Mary - _What cake?_
> 
> Sherlock - _and lots more sex with John, and some of that papaya near the end. I never do get to eat that because of the-_
> 
> Okbutjusthisonce - _this Q &A is over._
> 
> Sherlock - _Good choice, anyone reading this might think you've gone a bit mad._


	20. Alpha Serum, Fish n' Chips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock turned and grinned, a maniac himself.
> 
> "No one takes my alpha. You of all people should know that by now," he said.

"His name is Reza Quentin Kane. He's very wealthy, and very obsessed with me," said Sherlock.

"Why is that?" Mary asked. She was still fiddling with the new bra they'd stopped to buy along the way. It had been hastily purchased at M&S and she wasn’t at all happy with the fit.

Now they were driving through an unfamiliar, industrial area outside of London that seemed to be more shadow than light. Colin occasionally looked back at the omegas through the rear view mirror, his eyes inevitably falling to Mary's ample breast.

Sherlock ran his hands along his stomach, as though preening.

"I foiled several of his plans over the past six months," he said, "and he would have his vengeance," Sherlock pulled his phone out and began tapping on it.

"What kind of plans?"

"Cheating in charity golf tournaments, the production of several reality TV shows, the stealing of politicians' pants," said Sherlock, "typical bored, rich brat endeavours,"

"None of that sounds very serious,"

"None of it is," Sherlock said, "Things get dull when one's in hiding. Most high-stakes action requires the world stage,"

"an audience," Mary said. Sherlock nodded.

"Fans are everything," He said. Mary looked at him curiously.

"I still don't quite understand why you did all that before, faked your death, disappeared, tormented John. It doesn't add up- "

"It would be better if you didn't think of our lives in terms of linear narrative," said Sherlock, "With planned out trajectories, plotlines nice and neat, intersecting, driven by rhyme and reason," He looked at her open shirt and bra, both of which seemed tight.

"We're flesh and blood, " he mused, "It's not as though we're fictional characters,"

"But-"

Sherlock pushed forward and handed his phone to Colin.

"Plug that in, and follow it,"

Colin nodded. The phone beeped and the car's GPS screen lit up with a new red dot.

"Is that a tracking device?" Mary asked.

"Very good," said Sherlock with a nod.

"On John,"

"Not on him, so much as _in_ him," Sherlock said, "the nanites Mycroft injected him with will allow us to find him,"

"You knew! You - had John injected! Asked your brother to-"

"Not my idea," said Sherlock, "Mycroft's. He loves nanites. I simply figured out what he'd done and then hacked into them,"

"Why would he do such a thing?"

"Besides the many reasons that can be summed up as ‘personal pleasure’, for insurance. John is my alpha, it's good to be able to keep tabs on him. The ones Mycroft used are high quality- they can be connected to from nearly anywhere on earth," Mary pondered this for a moment.

"But, surely that's overkill? I mean generally speaking," she said.

"Honestly, if you knew how often John gets kidnapped..."

"And will you ever say what you injected John with?"

"Does it matter?"

"Of course it matters! I went into heat unexpectedly because of it! I'm guessing you did too,"

Sherlock looked at her a moment too long.

"Alpha Serum," he finally rumbled.

"What's-"

"Alpha Serum. A formula of my own making,"

"What is it? What does it do?"

"It enhances alpha prowess, apparently on all fronts," said Sherlock, "I was preparing John for my death and the inevitable action sequence that would unfold around it. There were several of Moriarty's henchmen to take on, after all,"

“So you, what - gave him performance enhancers?”

"Custom made. Augmenting John's physical abilities was supposed to happen with an emotional trigger - the moment he saw me fall,"

"What, like the hulk?"

"Only the effects have proven rather random, and continue to be so," shrugged Sherlock, "otherwise it was a perfect plan,"

"He was rather odd the night he came over," Mary mused, "Distraught, devastated, hysterical, then suddenly amorous... He smashed a chair,"

"You must admit, it makes for excellent sex," Sherlock said.

"I'm going to say it again, you're mad,"

The car pulled to a halt.

Mary looked out the window curiously. A lonely fish and chip shop was the only thing open.

The red dot on the GPS was still far away.

Colin turned round.

"What would you like, then?" He asked.

"What, are we here for food?" Mary cried.

"Well, we don't want to rescue John on an empty stomach," Sherlock said, "a large fish and chips, one for Mary too,"

"Comin' right up," said Colin. He disappeared inside.

Sherlock's focus did not shift, he gazed out the front windshield, deep in thought.

"It's also a place violent maniacs come to stock up on weapons, recruit backup, and the like," he said casually.

Mary paled.

"What?" She said in a meek voice, "Sherlock, weapons? Wait, why are we doing something so dangerous?"

Sherlock turned and grinned, a maniac himself.

"No one takes my alpha. You of all people should know that by now," he said.

"But surely your brother is better equipped to -"

"Don't worry," said Sherlock, "it will probably be fun,"

He took her hands and placed them onto his own swollen stomach, shivering in pleasure at the sensation. The car interior was heavy with both their scents.

"Colin will be awhile, let's snog a little," he said.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This keeps trying to become a real story... My apologies for that...


	21. Mission Improbable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In Which :_ John is pushed to his limit, there is some mayhem and violence, along with a promise of more ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're new to this this tale or have not guessed it yet, this is a verse where omegaSherlock sleeps with both men and women, alphas and omegas (I like this idea lots). In fact, in general, he sleeps with whoever he wants, eats whatever he wants, does whatever he wants (he might be even more at the mercy of his biology than Naughty Omega John from RFU, though its probably ego driving him as much as anything).
> 
> Poor alphaJohn by contrast is less territorial/jealous and more of a protector, as I'm sure we will eventually see, if he can manage to get out of the box, override his guilt etc. He is also, by premise of the story, a bit of a promiscuous cad, so I guess he and Sherlock have that in common (See? They're still perfect for each other)!
> 
> ... and Mary? She is caught in their mad crossfire, yet might not be too sane herself... 
> 
> I'm having fun watching these atypical omegaVerse personalities make their way through a super silly story.  
> I hope you are too...

The shipyard lay grand and silent in the darkness. It was extra still that night, for even the security team that normally patrolled it was conspicuously absent. Yet its outer tranquility was deceptive; inside one of hundreds of metal containers a lone alpha was tied and blindfolded, and being submitted to some of the cruellest of tortures.

"Now, we have the choice of several wines to pair with dessert," Said Mycroft, "I'll start with the Rieslings, shall I?"

"I don't care, I'm - look could you please just stop? Please?" John begged, "My head is killing me-"

"Of course I can't stop, there's a trickle down effect happening," said Mycroft' "cycle of abuse etcetera,"

"Do you not have a country to run?"

"It mostly runs itself, really. Now, please prepare yourself for two to four hours of dessert wines,"

The start of his new tirade was halted by the sound of a speaker clicking on. An audio feedback whine filled and bounced around the tiny room, causing John to moan in pain. When the noise subsided, it was replaced by the chipper sound of Julie Andrews, looped and loud.

John screamed.

"Oh dear, perhaps we're out of time," said Mycroft.

+++

"Really going at it, ain't they?" Mick said. Colin nodded.

The two henchmen licked greasy fish and chips off their fingers and watched the black car rock. Despite its tinted windows, the inside activity was obvious. Unmistakable sounds even a government vehicle could not quite mask emanated from its trembling form.

"Dunno what Johnny's on about, exactly," Colin said, "They seem quite keen for one another. Went for it straight after brekkies, too,"

Mick shook his head.

"That's what omegas do when they get themselves knocked up like that," he said, "...'specially unbonded. They become all hot ‘n bothered, all the time," he put his face to the blackened glass and squinted.

"Your cousin's always been a bit mental," he added, "never knows when he's got it good, neither. Look at the two of 'em, preggers and shagging each others' brains out. And where is he, the dumb bastard?"

"Kidnapped. That's why I ordered the chopper," Colin reminded him.

"Oh yeah, right, 'course," said Mick straightening up. He lit a cigarette, offered the pack to Colin.

The two stood smoking quietly, listening to Sherlock's low groans and Mary's erotic exclamations, their soundtrack punctuated by one occasionally insulting the other.

"Still, that's no reason for us to be missing out..." Mick put out his fag then pushed his face back against the car window, shielding his eyes with his right hand. With his left, he pulled out a phone from his side pocket.

"Mind if I film some of this, mate?"

"If you don't mind two broken legs," said Colin smoothly.

He was nearly two heads taller than Mick, with a solid reputation for violence.

Mick grinned like a bad child caught.

"Just takin the piss-" His words were cut off as inside, Mary looked up and screamed at his distorted, leering face.

+++

_Baby Face... You've got the cutest little baby face..._

_There's not another who can take your place, Baby Face..._

"Mycroft?" John shouted helplessly, "Mycroft?!?"

_Baby Face... You've got the cutest little baby face..._

_There's not another who can take your place, Baby Face..._

+++

"There's no need to be sullen nor embarrassed," Sherlock's voice crackled through the headset.

"You said a bit of snogging, and look what it turned into!" Mary exclaimed into her mike, "And this morning. And last night. And all while there are more pressing things happening right in front of us-"

She turned away unhappily, looked out as they flew above the city. The black helicopter was strangely quiet, more than she'd expected.

"There's little more pressing than the health of our offspring," said Sherlock.

"Why can't I resist you?" Mary lamented.

"Biology, hormones, scent manipulation, everything we've been talking about for days," said Sherlock. He gently touched a stray lock of her her hair. "Last night was certainly a next level catalyst. I've also felt a difference since then, a greater urgency towards you. Add all that to the confined space of a car, and you have an excellent situation for impulsive sex,"

He smiled at Mary, and her expression softened. She turned back towards him. His fingertips landed gently on her cheek.

"Of course there's also the fact that I'm generally irresistible," he added.

Mary scowled and pushed his hand away.

"So you're telling me you're not in control either," she said.

"Not particularly,"

"But doesn't that bother you?!"

"Not really," said Sherlock, "what _does_ bother me is that my food was consumed,"

"You were busy, I reckoned you weren't interested in eating just then," Colin interjected. Mick nodded in agreement, but did not bother turning round, for he was a good pilot.

"Yes but _now_ I'm famished," complained Sherlock.

"Fish n chips don't keep," Colin insisted.

"We don't actually like each other! We both want John for ourselves!" Mary cried.

"No need to shout, love," said Colin, tapping his headset. Mary blushed, then glared at him.

"We're both sexually underserved and overstimulated, and biologically drawn to each other. We both need the same things right now. There no need to be so upset," Sherlock said matter-of-factly.

"This is mad!"

"What's mad is how long it might be before we see food again," Sherlock complained.

"Sherlock-"

"The more sex we have, the healthier our offspring. And if your breasts are any indication, the more robust our pregnancies will be... It's why I'm starving. And you are too, though you deny it. You're already bigger," he said, sliding his hand across her belly. Mary shivered.

"It's biology," Sherlock said, "there's no fighting it; in fact, expect it to get worse as things advance," He looked at her thoughtfully.

"Besides, you do like me-"

Mary blinked in confusion. She was about to speak when a beeping noise made its way over the comm system.

"We're over the signal," Mick said, "prepare for landing,"

+++

_Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!_

_Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!_

+++

The four of them walked through the maze of containers, the sound of the ocean mixing with the beep of Sherlock's phone.

"Are you sure that thing's working?" Mary asked sceptically, "we circled this lot five minutes ago,"

"It's working. The metal containers are providing interference, but the tracking app is honing in with each pass," said Sherlock. He looked up at the stack of blue crates before them.

"Try this one," he said.

Colin swung the sledge hammer he was carrying. The lock fell away, he pulled open the latch. The box swung open.

"Excellent," Sherlock said. He waddled into the container full of goods, and emerged a moment later with a bag of crisps. He looked at his phone again, and abruptly changed direction.

Mary scrambled to keep up with him, the two henchmen following behind.

"Why is it so quiet?" She asked.

"It's most likely an ambush that's planned," said Colin, "once we find Johnny, it'll get quite a bit louder, no doubt," he twirled the sledgehammer in eager anticipation. Mick grunted in agreement. Mary nervously gripped the taser Colin had given her in the helicopter.

"I'm not sure I-"

"Here!" Sherlock shouted.

+++

_The hills are alive! With the sound of_

Metal on metal cut through the music, reverberated in John's ears. A moment later, the acoustics of the room changed, and a blast of fresh air hit him as the door swung open.

"I told you it was this one," a familiar voice said arrogantly.

"John, Darling!" Said another.

“Destroy that speaker, Colin,” There was a smashing sound and the music came to an instant halt. John breathed a visible sigh of relief.

"Sherlock? Mary?" The powerful scent of the two omegas had hit him as he'd heard them speak. He sneezed loudly. A moment later, Mary was pulling the blindfold from his eyes.

"Are you alright, my love?”

"Yeah, I'm ok, I'm just - What's happened to your scents?" John suddenly asked, "they're -"

He stopped mid-question, squinted and blinked in shock as his eyes adjusted. Mary was partially bent down, her face close to his, looking concerned. Sherlock stood just behind her. Both omegas looked significantly more pregnant than the last time he'd seen them. Colin was just inside the doorway with his sledgehammer; he lit a cigarette, nodded his hello to John.

"What's - happened - what-" John stammered. His eyes went from Mary's swollen belly to Sherlock's, then back to Mary, his gaze falling to her enormous breasts. Mary's face turned a deep crimson. Before she could speak, Sherlock shoved her aside, forcing her to straighten up and make room for him in front of John.

"Hello, John," said Sherlock, "Mary and I are lovers at the moment. That should make sex and bonding with me extra satisfying," he rubbed his belly for emphasis.

John blinked up at Mary quizzically.

"It's true, we slept together last night," she sighed.

"And we did it a bit today," insisted Sherlock.

"We didn't, that wasn't full-on sex of any kind, not even close-"

"What about at Selfridges?"

"I was talking about Selfridges!"

"You went to Selfridges together?" Asked John in confusion.

"It's why she's more endowed now, as you're obviously wondering," Sherlock said, "in fact, I've been thoroughly enjoying shagging your slutty mistress," he punctuated this statement by slapping Mary's bum sharply. Mary jumped.

"Hey!" she cried. She slapped Sherlock's cheek in quick retaliation. Sherlock looked rather pleased. He grabbed the sides of her face and brought his mouth to hers aggressively. John stared in disbelief as they embraced one another, suddenly lost in a steamy kiss.

"Right. Is one of you going to take some time out to untie me, or did you just come to give me a raging bloody hard-on?" He complained. Sherlock broke away from Mary, exhaled happily.

"Both, of course. Now that I've come all this way to fetch you, I really must insist you stop mucking about in this box and get back to shagging me. It's been nearly two days," Sherlock said.

"Sorry, darling," said a very flushed Mary, "do let's get out of here," she turned her attention to his bindings.

They were interrupted by Colin clearing his throat.

"Actually," he said apologetically, "you're meant to stay in the box. At least you two," he said nodding at John and Sherlock, "you ...come with me," He said to Mary.

The three looked at him, then everyone began speaking at once.

"You fucking-"

"I don't understand-"

"Aww, Don't get mad again Johnny, you know the deal by now-"

Only Sherlock remained silent, a bored, knowing look on his face.

"You posh arsehole! Is this your idea of fun?" John snarled.

"John! Don't speak to Sherlock like that!" Mary scolded.

"What? No! I was talking to-"

"Mycroft," Sherlock said.

"Yeah," said John, "only he's not answering now," he looked at the perplexed expression on Mary's face.

"He's been in my head all night," he explained.

Mary looked back at him, worried. She gasped and suddenly twisted round in space, as Colin cuffed her hands behind her back.

"Stop it! Colin, you're hurting me!"

"Sorry, darlin' it's just business," he said. He pounced on Sherlock, and after a moment of minor struggle, had him cuffed as well.

"Your brother's orders," Colin said.

“Utterly predictable,” said Sherlock, looking bored.

"Colin! Stop it right now you little shite, or I'll kick your arse into next week," John promised.

Colin shrugged.

"Stand over there with your alpha and future husband," He commanded Sherlock.

"No," Sherlock said flatly.  He managed to wriggle away then ran outside, a belligerent look of resistance on his face.

"Oi! Get back here!" Colin ran to the door, pulling Mary along with him. A moment later he'd caught Sherlock again, for both omegas were too big to run very fast. With hands fixed behind their backs, their condition was even more obvious.

John watched in growing anger and writhed against the ropes he was bound with.

A wild look in his eyes was quickly building as his cousin dragged the struggling omegas back to the shipping container.

"Now, you get in there, it's for your own good," Colin said to Sherlock.

"And I suppose you know what will happen to Mary..." Sherlock said snidely, "and you're ok with it?"

"I'm not one to question orders," said Colin.

"What? What will happen to Mary?" Mary cried.

"Oi!" John roared, "Colin! I mean it! When I get free I'm gonna kill you!"

"Not necessary," said Mick stepping between John's view and Colin, "I'll be doing that for you, Johnny, you stupid bastard," he fired his gun and Colin dropped with a groan. Mary screamed.

Mick smacked her across the mouth with his gun, stunning her into silence.

"That wasn't too rough this time, love. I'd like to have your face without bruises when I sell you," he said, "but if you make me, I'm happy to go harder, and just keep you for myself, understand?"

"Don't worry, Mary," said Sherlock, "he's addicted to synthetics, which have left him secretly impotent, and most likely severely diminished the size of his - "

"Shut the fuck up!" Shouted Mick. He shoved the gun under Sherlock's jaw. "You mind that smart mouth of yours and behave! I reckon male omegas don't need their bollocks nor their-"

John's roar made the three of them turn back to the box. With a rage-fueled flex of his muscles, the ropes around him (as well as a good deal of his shirt) burst apart. John jumped up and charged towards them, an insane expression on his face. He was oddly, obviously, erect and generally terrifying to behold.

"MINE!" He bellowed, "MINE!"

Mary gasped, Sherlock swooned.

"Alpha Serum," he said happily.

"It really works!" Mary said in wonder.

"Naturally. I _am_ a genius-"

"Bloody Hell!" Mick lunged forward, slamming the door to the crate shut just as John reached it.

His body slammed against the inside of it with a loud thud. Mick struggled to hold it closed and flip the latch. The intense sound of John throwing himself against the door and howling in fury echoed across the shipyard, destroying its tranquility.

“Now you’re in for it,” Sherlock said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up... B A M F John... finally...


	22. Sledgehammer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do you normally cry during sex then, Watson?" Mick sneered, "understandable with this lot."

BOOM

BOOM

BOOM

The sound of metal being assaulted with a vengeance echoed through the yard. Each beat was accompanied by the sound of John bellowing, along with the violent, outward denting of the crate's door, as though monstrous fists were trying to punch their way out.

BOOM

BOOM

BOOM

The three instinctively backed away from the shuddering crate. Mick aimed his gun at the pock-marked door nervously.

"Once he bashes that door open, just think what he'll do to you," Sherlock said happily.

"Shut up," said Mick.

"John's... not... really The Hulk, is he?" Mary said uncertainly.

"That wasn't the worst analogy," Sherlock shrugged.

"You two get on the ground," Mick demanded suddenly, "and link arms,"

He forced Sherlock down, then waved his gun at Mary.

"Next to him," Mick said, "close, now,"

Once the two omegas were sitting back to back, Mick produced yet another pair of handcuffs  and shackled Mary and Sherlock together.

"Great," Mary complained.

Mick walked forward towards the crate, driven by fear and bravado.

BOOM

BOOM

BOOM

"I'm gonna blow your alpha's head off when he comes out," said Mick. He licked his lips in false courage. "Never really liked Watson. Been meaning to do it for some time now, actually,"

He reached for the latch, his hand trembling only slightly.

With a loud groan, Colin abruptly pulled himself to his feet and lurched forward, hurling himself onto Mick.

"Look out," said Sherlock flatly.

"John! He's got a gun!" Shouted Mary.

"And a knife," added Sherlock.

The door burst open. It slammed into the henchmen, knocking them both to the ground. Mick's gun fired off into space, just before he lost the weapon itself. John stood in the mouth of the crate: sweaty, heaving, and wild eyed. He held the sledgehammer Colin had used earlier.

"You Fuckers!" He bellowed.

"Bloody Hell," said Mary.

"Titillating, isn't it," said Sherlock, "John! Do hurry up with those two, I'm getting terribly turned on!" John looked over, distracted by Sherlock's words and was promptly tackled by Mick.

"Now see what you've done," said Sherlock.

"Me?" Cried Mary, "You're the one who - oh look out, darling!"

John curled back, Mick's knife just meeting his flesh. A red line bloomed across his chest. John lashed out, his foot landing solidly into Mick's gut. Mick stumbled backwards, just as John swung the sledge hammer. The deadly blow missed by millimetres.

Mick rushed John and for a moment, they were too close for either hammer or knife.

They wrestled then broke, breathing hard and staring hatefully at one another. Mick bandied his blade menacingly. John snatched at the handle of his hammer.

"You're too slow with that thing, mate," panted Mick, "I'll cut you before you even knick m-"

His words were interrupted by John's left hook, and then elbow.

With a great bellow, Mick pushed back against John, slamming him into the side of the crate. John hit the metal surface with a loud clang and a moan, but his knee came up and met Mick's solar plexus almost immediately. He followed with the sledgehammer, ramming it into Mick's gut, then used it to push the henchman off and throw him to the ground. John glared at Mick, snarled at him like an animal.

"My alpha's going to eat you like a biscuit," hummed Sherlock, "after he pummels you into marmite!"

"Still thinking about food, I see." Mary muttered.

"Naturally. That and sex," Sherlock said,"I'll be having lots of both, once John disposes of this idiot."

"That doesn't make sense. Wouldn't he eat the idiot up like marmite if he pummeled him firs-"

"Shut up!" Mick snarled. He'd jumped back on his feet, a flash of silver in his hand.

He pressed the knife he held to Sherlock's throat.

"Put that thing down, and get on the ground right now, Watson," he said, "or I'll carve your favourite omega slut up like a Sunday roast,"

"Mary's the slut," Sherlock objected.

"Who says that wanker's John's favourite!" Shouted Mary.

"It's obvious John loves me more, he always lets me have his toast."

"You _take_ his toast," said Mary, "and mine,"

"That's what you get, trying to _take_ someone else's alpha, you slut,"

"Oi," warned John, "keep it civilized."

"If anyone's a slut, it's you! You can't stop molesting me, you rapey pervert!"

"Oi!"

"That's just the pregnancy-"

"Also your fault, both of us knocked up to our eyeballs, no thanks to you-"

"I never made you spread your legs-"

"Oooh!" Mary seethed.

"Until yesterday of course- as for John, he was clearly at the mercy of his situation; it's low hanging fruit, taking advantage of a crying, horny, lonely alpha -"

"OI!!!" Roared John.

"I'll sleep with who I want! You were dead! All his lovesick, confused, blubbering due to you, no less!"

"The only circumstances under which you'd ever be able to bag him! You should be thanking me,"

"Thanking! I! I - hate you," Mary said miserably.

"You don't. You're quite hot for me. In fact, I'd say if it weren't for John, you'd be all about my-"

"STOP! You two are impossible!" John shouted, "why can't you-you-just-!?!" He stuttered in (partially sexual) frustration.

The two omegas looked at him.

"Really, John, why can't _we?_ Why can't _you_ have just kept it your pants in the first place,"  Mary complained.

"Mary has a point," said Sherlock.

"Do you normally cry during sex then, Watson?" Mick sneered, "understandable with this lot."

"Stop, Mick." John growled. Mick's nasty grin only grew.

"These two have got to be the most obnoxious eggs I've ever seen," he said, "I fact, I do believe I'll be doing you a favour-" he punctuated his words by drawing the blade across Sherlock's throat. Mary gasped and cringed as John hurled the sledgehammer full force at Mick with a bellow. It flew by, passing dangerously close to her face then out of her line of view as it met its target. Mick went down audibly, and John charged to Sherlock's side.

"Sherlock! Sherlock!"

"What's happened?" Mary cried, for she could not see Sherlock at all. She could only feel John's frantic motions and panicky sounds as he trembled and examined Sherlock.

"John? John? What's happening-"

"Sherlock's been - oh god oh Christ oh-"

"Sherlock!? What! John!"

"Sherlock! I'm so sorry I'm so-" John abruptly sobbed, cradling Sherlock's face. Sherlock's eyes were closed, his head lolled back. Blood was splashed across his pale flesh. John's hands frantically explored the surface of Sherlock's throat as he searched for the wound.

"Higher," Sherlock demanded. He opened a pale eye.

John stopped and looked at Sherlock in disbelief.

"The erogenous zone for most omegas is much higher, John, this is especially true on me, as my neck is so long. You know that already,"

"You're bleeding," John said.

"So are you."

"I'm fine."

"As am I. He did scratch the skin a bit," admitted Sherlock, blinking, "but on the whole you were impressively fast with that sledgehammer,"

"You're okay," John said, still in an obvious state of shock.

"Of course he's okay!" Mary cried, "for fucks' sake John, you saw him go off a bloody building, and he's okay!" She wriggled heavily against Sherlock, annoyed.

"Mary, once again, has a point," Sherlock said, "quite incredible, in and of itself, really."

"Let's argue later," Mary said, "I want to go home! Turn us loose, darling, this is really becoming uncomfortable!"

The only response was the sound of kissing and smacking.

"John?" She asked.

"Mmmm a little higher, yes, there..." Murmured Sherlock blissfully. He and John were breathing hard. Sherlock began to arch and push against Mary.

"Are you joking?!?!" She cried as Sherlock and John continued to do whatever it was she was shackled to, but excluded from.

"I thought I'd lost you, " John said, "again,"

"Yes, but John, you didn't-"

"YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER BASTARD!"

The blood on Sherlock's neck had been too much for John, and he was angrily kissing and cleaning his omega in exactly the spot he ought to bite. His eyes were still fuelled with alpha adrenalin.

"Hello! I'm just here!" Mary cried,"John!"

"Quiet!" John growled, "I'm not freeing either of you, you're mine!" Now that the immediate threat was gone, John was intoxicated by the sight of the two omegas bound together, back to back, helpless and swollen.

Mary made a small cry of disbelief as John resumed snogging and snuffling Sherlock roughly. Sherlock hummed along approvingly.

"Oh yes, yes, lovely," he crooned.

"Don't - don't your cousin and that other fellow need to go to hospital?" Mary whimpered.

"Mmm," John said in a dismissive tone.

"Lovely, Lovely John," added Sherlock. He gasped then moaned as John climbed on top of him, slid his hands under Sherlock's shirt, over his swollen belly, down his trousers.

"You're the world's biggest pain in the arse..." John breathed, "admit it,"

"Yes," lowed Sherlock.

"You make my life a living hell! Admit it!"

"Yes, John, oh yes!"

"And you're mine, mine and only mine! Say it!"

Sherlock could barely get the words out, his breath was coming in such long, blissful stutters.

"I'm yours, John! Yours completely! Yours onl-O-oh-ahh-!" He arched up sharply as John bit down hard.

Mary dropped her head and tried not to cry as the powerful scent of a new bond beginning to unfold saturated the air. She could feel the two of them rocking together against her. She realised she, too, was trembling. The three of them remained like that for what seemed an eternity.

"Johnny," Colin's voice broke the moment. Mary looked up in confusion; he held Mick's gun but was nodding towards the entrance.

A menacing looking group of black vehicles was rapidly advancing.

"Not ours," Colin added hoarsely.

Sherlock moaned, dismayed at the interruption.

John staggered to his feet, staring. He wiped the blood on his mouth away with the back of his hand. Distraught, he turned to the omegas.

"Get in the box," he said.

**  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> action scenes are quite challenging to write. :/


	23. Kaboom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In Which :_ The intoxicating effects of a half completed bonding are displayed. Mary finally loses her shit. Twice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to short chapters...

It was no easy task getting the two omegas, each six foot tall, pregnant, and bound, onto their feet; especially as Sherlock had begun to behave strangely. His groaning had turned into a hum, which had, in turn, become a jolly little tune.

Colin ignored the gunshot wound in his side and heaved Sherlock up with a great bear hug.

Pulled along with him, Mary gasped and scrambled to stand.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Breathed Sherlock. Colin winced in pain as he was leaned onto enthusiastically.

"You're getting blood all over me," Sherlock slurred. He rubbed his face in Colin's chest and went back to humming.

"What's wrong with him? He sounds drunk!" Mary could still not see Sherlock, but she could feel something was dreadfully wrong.

"Please, we don't have much time, love," said Colin, "Johnny's right. You two will be safer inside the box." Mary looked over at John, who had his back to them. He was staring at the cars, his body language alert and hostile. He held Mick's gun, swaggering a little as he walked.

"Colin, something's wrong with them!" Mary protested as they were shuffled back into the crate.

 _"Coliiiinsomethingwrongwithemmmm!"_ Sherlock mimicked in a whiny, mocking voice. He laughed at his own obnoxious behaviour, then looked up at Colin.

"Hi!" He said, grinning, "Highhhhhh!"

"Wait here,"Colin commanded, "and stay down."

He'd forcefully walked them all the way to the back of the crate where, inexplicably, a mattress lay on the floor among the stacked goods.

"Please, please, unlock us," Mary said, "something's wrong, I know it-"

_"-smething'swrongIknowwwwit!"_

"Ach, I don't have me keys-"

"Ha!Ahem!Mmm..."

"What?!?" Mary cried in dismay.

"Can't find em. Anyway, in about sixty seconds there'll be men with guns, understand?"

"But -"

"Please, love. Do as you're told and stay here," Colin said.

"Colin!" John snarled from the entrance, "hurry up!"

"Jaaaaaaawn!" Cried Sherlock happily.

"John!" Mary echoed less optimistically.

John looked back at them, glassy eyed. His nose was bloody and swollen from the fight with Mick, his mouth red from biting Sherlock. Yet his overall expression was one of giddy joy.

"Keep an eye on each other," He said. He too, slurred his words as though intoxicated.

Mary looked at the cousins in dismay. They stood in the mouth of the container, battered and bloody.

"Stay there!" Colin said again.

"No, wait-!" shouted Mary.

The door slammed shut, making the box pitch black.

In the darkness, Sherlock laughed.

+++

"Let's go," John demanded. He was already loping with a predatory gate towards their adversaries.

"Sure, Johnny... I prefer the offensive meself," Colin said, "only... you alright? You do seem... Kinda pissed,"

John turned to Colin with a crazed grin.

"Yeah mate, I'm perfect," he insisted.

With new, boundless energy, John climbed to the top of a container.

"Let's go!" he said again.

Painfully, Colin pulled himself up.

+++

For the second time in nearly as many minutes, Mary was fighting not to cry. This time it was from fear, and exhaustion, but mostly the fact that Sherlock would not stop rambling. He tilted his head back and lay it on her shoulder affectionately as he half sang, half garbled incomprehensibly in her ear.

"Spiro Heterocyclic omegas are attractive sexy targets due to their interesting non-conformational features and the social implications on their activity in biological systems," He crooned.

"Sherlock, try and focus!"

"Consequently, oxytocin-diverse positive loops and the coevolution of alpha-omega-omega bonds have emerged as preferred romantic protocol in view of their facile convergence, atomic flexibility and vested interests, like toast, with kippers and dipolarophiles!"

"I think you and John are suffering from an interrupted bonding..." Mary said.

"Jaaawwwwwwn!" Sherlock kissed Mary by her ear and went back to his happy rambling.

The sound of nearby gunfire erupted, pushing Mary over the edge. She burst into tears.

"Don't cry," Sherlock's deep voice suddenly said in the darkness, "Shhhh! Sghhh Noooooo...Shh! Don't cry,"

He wrapped his long arms around her, half in sympathy, half hanging off her for his own comfort.

Mary raised her head sharply. Her own arms were free.

"You- how did you-"

 _"Ach! Can'tfindmekeyyys!"_ Sang Sherlock in a recognisable, if not garish, impression of Colin. _"I'mmanoversizedidiotooooooohwhatshallidoooooMyyyycroft?"_ He added, then burst into another bout of laughter.

"Of course you nicked them, you wanker," Mary sobbed, then laughed painfully. She found his his hand in the dark and gave it a gentle squeeze. Sherlock responded with a self satisfied chuckle.

"Naturally," he slurred, "M'brilliant."

"You are," sniffled Mary.

She stood shakily, rubbing her aching arms and  shoulders.

"Let's get out of here," she said.

"Mmmm..."

Mary felt her way to the front of the crate slowly. She could still hear Sherlock chatting away to himself on the mattress. The gunfire continued, though it sounded farther away now.

She pressed against the door cautiously. It did not budge. Mary pushed harder, then harder again. Her temper began to rise and her fists began to pound on the door in frustration.

"Those bloody idiots! We're locked in here!" She shouted, enraged, "I'll kill them!"

As if to punctuate her outburst, from outside there came a tremendous explosion that nearly threw her to the ground.

"Uh oh," mumbled Sherlock in the dark, "Ssssalllssssploded."

 

****  
  
  



	24. Bunk & Berth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In Which:_ the omegas are shipped away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even though I think this is my most unpopular fic, it's the one I have the most fun writing.

“I'll do as I please!” Mary said far too loudly.

“Shhh!” Much of the theatre turned to hush her in the dark, including Lily, who giggled after scolding her.

“You'll get us kicked out,” she whispered.

“I really don't care, I'm just happy to be out of that bloody shipping container!” Mary whispered back.

Lily squeezed her hand supportively. 

After a moment, she said, “You can't though, really.”

“What?” Mary did not look at her little sister, who sat between herself and the aisle. Instead, she continued to watch the film. It flickered before them, the image composed of abstract moving shapes. A live, solo violinist provided a soundtrack below the screen. Lily was an artist, and as such often dragged Mary to such events.

“Stay. It's mad!”

“What?... Why should  _ I _ be the one to go?!?” Mary hissed.

“Shhh!”

They fell silent again. Mary tried to find her popcorn, to no avail.

“You know they're just taking advantage of you.” Lily whispered.

“That's a terrible thing to say.” Mary did not know why she felt so defensive suddenly, but she couldn't help it either.

“It's true, they’re just using you as a surrogate. Think about it, why else would any of this happen?”

“John loves me.” Mary insisted in the dark. 

“More than he loves Sherlock? And what about Sherlock? You think he actually cares about you? You think you're anything more than a food source for his children?” At these words, Mary pulled her hand away from her sister’s, and stood.

“Lily, let me out,” she whispered angrily, “I'm not enjoying this stupid arty flick of yours.”

“I'm just trying to help you-”

“I don't need your help!” Mary snapped. 

“Shhhh!” Hushed the other viewers.

Lily looked up at her, the light from the film dancing across her features.

“They'll keep breeding you,” she whispered “over and over, just to keep you nursing the children…”

“Shut up!”

“They've already bonded, you're already preggers... it's all already happening… look...”

Lily nodded towards the screen. Mary turned. The camera pulled back and focused.

There, larger than life, was a pair of all too-familiar, pale blue eyes, smiling at her.

“Mary. Wake up,” Sherlock's low voice commanded.

Mary woke with a start.

 

The shipping container was dark, but not pitch black. She could see Sherlock lying next her, nearly nose to nose.

“Bloody hell, I'm still here,” Mary complained groggily.

“Indeed. The question being, where is ‘here’?”

“What?” Mary sat up, pushing Sherlock away lightly.

“We're moving,” she said.

“We've been shipped,” Sherlock agreed.

“I can smell sea air… Oh god, what's to become of us now?”

“Is that a real question, or are you deliberately being daft? John often complains I don't know when he's being rhetorical-”

“You've recovered I see!” snorted Mary contemptuously. She pulled herself to her feet heavily.

Though barely noticeable, the container was indeed moving with the gentle swell of the ocean.

“Quite recovered, and now first-hand-knowledgeable as to why interrupted bonding remains the second most popular kinky practice in Hollywood - just after autoerotic asphyxiation- despite the high risk. That was quite the ride.” Sherlock's deep voice echoed against the metal walls. He'd stayed reclined on the mattress, but was still audible as Mary explored slowly around the wooden crates in the back.

“I'm glad you enjoyed yourself, then,” Mary said sarcastically. She stopped below the thing she'd been looking for; a long vent which was providing airflow and minimal light. It was high and out of reach.

“HELLO!” She shouted upwards. Her voice bounced ineffectively off the walls.

“That is pointless, and only grating to our own ears,” said Sherlock. “As to enjoying myself, I did in fact, deeply. It is unfortunate you'll never get to experience it-”

“Because you'll be fully bonding with John the next time you see him, right?”

“Finally, you begin to accept the situatio-”

“Piss off! Hullo, what's this?” Mary said in surprise, for she’d discovered what seemed to be a door.

“That's the loo,” said Sherlock.

“The - what? Is this a water supply I see here?”

“The back half of this sea container has been retrofitted, for the kidnapping and delivery of a pregnant omega.”

There was a long pause.

“Ok, I'll bite,” said Mary, “Why do you say that?”

“Aside from the facilities which make it possible for a person to live in here for a limited time, look inside the crates.” 

The front of the crates, to Mary's surprise, were unlocked and easy to open. Through the dim lighting, a variety of foodstuffs was visible, as well as vitamins, supplements, and medical supplies.

“I see, omega prenatal care is an obvious pattern here-” Mary said.

“This was a setup, we’ve walked right into a trap.”

“Set by who?”

“I shall explain all, as usual. Do you see the box of Alpin in there?” Asked Sherlock. 

“Yes.”

“The red one, on the left, second back,” he added mysteriously.

“Yes, why?”

“Bring it here.” Sherlock said.

Mary handed him the box in the dark. She sat down next him.

“Sherlock - why would anyone want to kidnap us?”

“ _ Me _ , kidnap  _ me _ .” Sherlock corrected, “and possibly John. There is, after all, enough food for two. I suppose you'll be having his portion.”

Mary sighed, mustering as much patience as she could.

“Was this some kind of ploy to-”

Her question was cut off by the sound of crunching in the dark.

“Hang on, are you just eating that?” She cried.

“Naturally. I'm hungry.”

“So… there's nothing special about that particular box?”

“It's the sweetened kind,” munched Sherlock, “The others are original mix.”

“But… It's not a clue or…” Mary's voice trailed off into helplessness as Sherlock only continued to crunch is the darkness.

“Juice would be lovely,” he said at last,”and then perhaps some water.”

“Is that why you woke me up? To get you food? You lazy-”

“I was busy deducing the situation, and deciding our next, best move.”

“Oh really? And what have you come up with?”

“John.”

“What? What about him?”

“We wait for John. He's guaranteed to come rescue us, particularly as he's in extra-protective-alpha-mode.” Sherlock nuzzled his chin on Mary's shoulder from behind. She could not tell if he was being genuinely affectionate or trying to drive her mad.

“And until then?” She asked wearily. Sherlock slipped his arms around her in something akin to a bear hug.

“We're stuck in a box together, with little to do except eat, talk, and shag.” He crooned.

Mary might have screamed, but for the futility of it.

“Brilliant,” she instead muttered in utter exasperation.

“Isn't it just,” Sherlock said.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	25. Omega Kākou

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In Which_ : The Omegas wash ashore and John has run amok

By the time Mycroft arrived, the sun had been up for more than an hour, and everything had been neatly taped off by A&E. Colin was bandaged up and waiting patiently. He stood as soon as Mycroft appeared. Colin reminded Mycroft of a favourite mastiff they'd had growing up. Not an especially bright creature, but tenacious, nearly indestructible, and above all, loyal. He often suspected Sherlock was drawn to John for similar reasons.

“Impressive,” Mycroft said at the scene before them. The area around them looked like a spent battlefield. The earth was scorched and torn by the tracks of tyres and people. Two out of three of the cars were smashed and riddled with bullet holes beyond recognition. The third was upside down and permanently fused with a metal container. The chopper was on fire. In fact, evidence of an explosion and large fire was everywhere. Colin himself was singed and grey.

He nodded his chin in the general direction behind Mycroft.

“Show me,” said Mycroft.

 

+++

 

“Twwwwwwtttt! Wwwwwwwt!” The keeper made a kissing sound appropriate for calling a dog as the shipping container door was opened.

“Here girl, c'mon out sweetie,” he coaxed.

“I heard her name is Mary,” said his assistant, “and that she's very good natured.”

“Awwww. _Mary_. That's cute. C’mon out, Mary! C'mon out and see your new home, baby!”

The two men peered into the darkness of the container. They fell back in surprise as a tall, very pregnant woman slowly emerged, squinting in the sunlight.

“Bloody hell, wrong box again!” Said the keeper’s assistant.

“Must be that one there-”

The two walked across the lush vegetation to a similar container. Mary watched, a bit confused, as they opened it and a large, plump creature waddled out from it cautiously.

“Is that a Pygmy Hippo?” She asked in a trance-like manner. Sherlock slowly appeared behind her. Both omegas were a bit disoriented after being in a dark box, on the ocean, confined together.

“Looks like,” he said.

“Clever wanker.” She breathed. Mary looked around, taking in their location.

They seemed to be in paradise; a lavish tropical garden surrounded them. It was beautifully landscaped, with fruit and flowers blooming everywhere. Exotic birds inhabited the trees. A pair of giraffe stood by, grazing on leaves, statuesque and gentle. A baby elephant reclined happily in the shade. It was hot but not too humid. The turquoise ocean shone, jewel-like below the cliffs behind them. Mary blinked as a white peacock lazily crossed their path.

“Are we in Hawaii, then.” She said, more than asked.

“Very good. Obviously you know from the plant life.”

“And that -” Mary pointed to the small group of people coming towards them. An elegant looking man dressed in white was accompanied by several beautiful girls. The girls wore stereotypical Polynesian outfits - bright, flower patterned skirts and woven wreaths of flowers in their hair. They smiled and threw leis over the omegas.

“Aloha kākou! Welcome!” They chimed in artificial, sing-song unison.

“Um, thank you…” Mary said uncertainly. The girls giggled coquettishly then, in a well rehearsed move, stepped away.

“Well well well, here you are at last,” said the man. He was looking at Sherlock, a smug expression on his face.

“Hello, Reza,” said Sherlock dryly, “I _thought_ it was you behind this clumsy caper.”

“Hang on, is this the fellow you've been telling me about?” Mary asked, “the one whose plans you keep foiling? The billionaire madman who’s obsessed with you?!”

“The very one,” Sherlock rumbled.

“Check out the ego on you!” Reza sneered. Like everything else about him, his accent was transcontinental and more than hinted at tremendous wealth behind a casual veneer.

“Not to mention the stomach. My, but what a burden you're carrying there. I've never seen you looking so ... _dishevelled_ , Holmes.” Reza added wickedly. He shook his head at Sherlock, who had over the course of the journey, managed to outgrow his clothing. His shirt was straining and barely held closed by one brave button. His curls were unruly, and he needed a shave. Mary too, was significantly heavier, her dress appearing as though it might split open at any moment. Her hair stuck up oddly in many directions. Between their new girth and living in the box, the omegas were looking undeniably shabby.

“I blame you for that,” Sherlock said unfazed, “those accommodations were terrible.

“It was a kidnapping after all,” said Reza sulkily.

“We’ll both need to freshen up immediately, then get a check-up from a proper obstetrician.” Sherlock added.

“Ah, yes… who’d have guessed you'd bring a surrogate along?” Reza turned to scrutinise Mary. He reached out towards her, but was thwarted instantly by Sherlock slapping him away.

“Touching Mary is _not_ allowed,” Sherlock said.

Mary looked at him in surprise. Reza grinned at her.

“Sorry darling, but you're about to find you're tangled up with the wrong omega,” Reza said.

“I'm already well aware of that,” sighed Mary.

Reza turned back to Sherlock, looking pleased.

“She's a cheeky one. I was hoping to add you and Watson to my menagerie, but this is a bonus!” He said.

“Hey! I am not anyone's property!” Mary said angrily, “Technically, I haven't even agreed to be anyone's surrogate!”

“So that's your current cliche plan? Building a zoo of exotic specimens? I expected more from you, frankly.” said Sherlock.

“So much ego! _Exotic_. Really.” Reza snorted.

“I am exotic,” Sherlock said.

“And arrogant,” added Mary.

“Yes. Well. Hubris and private zoos aside, my plan is to keep you here and knocked up until you've paid your tab. You'll be broodmares. And with your surrogate in the mix, I'll double my yield!”

“What?” Mary cried, “That's- that's -”

“Dull,” said Sherlock, “particularly without John here to do the siring.”

“Don't worry, I shall get different genetic donors depending on who's buying the final product.”

“- disgusting!” Spat Mary. Sherlock remained unimpressed.

“Stupid plan. Won't work.” He said.

“I've already got bids from Google, Facebook, the American D.O.D., and several universities. Your children will augment their think tank programmes  nicely, and reimburse me for all the money you've cost me over the years!”

Reza snapped his fingers and the girls came back.

“Now, these lovelies will show you to your rooms,” he said, ”where you'll be quite comfortable, I'm sure. You and your surrogate will give birth here, then be impregnated again immediately. Just accept it, you're breeding stock from here on out.”

“Like hell! We’re leaving!” Mary cried. She grabbed Sherlock's arm protectively and glared at Reza.

“You'll never pull it off,” said Sherlock.

“And why not? I've painstakingly arranged for it look like your shipping container went to Dubai. They'll think you were sold off in the black market there. No one knows you're here. You're not leaving. My plan’s not stupid. You two bitches are _mine_ now! I'll have you kept and force-bred like the slutty omegas you are! If you resist me, I'll simply keep you tied up and- ghhhhhhzzzzt!”

His words were cut short as Mary held the taser to his flesh. Reza jerked and spasmed and then lay still on the ground. Sherlock looked on in approval as she slipped the taser back into her bra.

“That's one reason, “ Sherlock said, nudging Reza with his toe.

The hostesses continued to smile, though with an added element of nervous discomfort.

“I'm getting bloody tired of being spoken to like that.” Mary said angrily. Sherlock only gave an innocent smirk.

“Reza has a problem with omegas, quite frankly,” he said, “Shall we find our rooms?” He reached over and smoothed some of her hair down.

Mary blinked in disbelief. “Why- would we do that?”

“To wait for John, of course. Not to mention it's a gorgeous estate. Wait until you see the pool.”

“You've been here before?”

“Naturally. We go way back,” Sherlock took the arm of a hostess with his free hand. His other arm Mary still held, and now he re-linked it around hers. They began to walk.

“Mycroft and Reza went to school together,” Sherlock explained, stepping over Reza’s unconscious form.

“What?”

“It's a small, elite, community. We've been playing together a long time now. Come, I'm dying for a fresh coconut water.”

 

+++

 

“This was the last place I saw ‘im,” said Colin. They had walked to the outside the smoking crater of action, where several containers were missing.

“I see, and what was his state of mind?”

“A mad dog. An animal. Never seen anything like it.” Said Colin ominously. He'd always been a little afraid of his cousin, despite being more than twice John’s size.

“And where do you suppose the dog has run to now?”

“I tried to tell him to wait on backup, but you know, he wasn't much for listening in that state-”

“You believe he pursued this shipment.”

“He said he was gonna get ‘em back, ” Said Colin wearily, “but then-”

“But then, you weren't entirely sure he meant retrieving his omegas or was speaking of vengeance, correct?”

“Right, boss. Exactly that.” Colin said, obviously impressed,”how did you know?”

“Alpha aggression isn't always the most subtle, nor practical motivator.”

The two looked at the empty space before them.

“And the omegas?”

Colin turned round and pointed across the crater.

“Were in a box over there,” he said.

“Idiots, I'm surrounded by idiots.” Sighed Mycroft.

“Don't you have a tracer on Johnny, Boss?”

“Unfortunately, my brother has blocked the signal,” said Mycroft. He felt a growing anxiety at what Mummy would say to all of this. His family constantly made things more difficult for him than any number of politicians, agencies, or corporations combined.

“Maybe you could ask him to unblock it,” Colin suggested good naturedly.

“That would be all well and good if -” Mycroft was cut off by the sound of his phone ringing. He looked at the number and turned pale with dread.

“Oh bother,” he said in dismay, “it's the caterer.”


End file.
